There are some noteworthy things that have happened recently that have been real game changers.
At the women’s Bible study, we are going through a book called Leverage which was written by the Barrick family through their organization Hope Out Loud. The Sunday they came to visit was so powerful because it was all about healing – mentally, emotionally physically, and spiritually.
As many of you know, I have already been going through a lot of dark times with health, and as God would have it, I had recently only just discovered a young gentleman on Instagram named Hyden Daum who is deaf, but has short snippets where he both speaks quite clearly, but also signs Bible verses, but digging into them. This has been particularly helpful when in overload, I remembered being at a summer camp and learning a song in sign language and being surprised that some of those same signs I still remembered. What is most impactful to me? Is that when flooded or too exhausted or too much in pain to even think straight I can look at a number of different sign language terms or phrases and see how they express what I do not even have the vocabulary for. That has been truly transformational because despite my verbose writing there are times when I cannot think of the right word or can only think of the first two letters of a word or phrase, especially under times of stress. But what has been most enlightening is that in combination with these videos and that Sunday when Jen ended, she taught us the sign language for one of her favorite songs as we all sang along.
They really are a number of hugely powerful sign language phrases that I think better convey the real meaning of the word or phrase then when we use actual vocabulary. For example, look up the sign language for Trinity.
No one will fully be able to explain the Trinity but the sign language of taking three fingers pulling it down behind the hand in front and then bringing your original hand in front of the other only holding one finger up invokes three separate entities that in my opinion through this sign go into the mystery beyond our comprehension and emerge in front as one just as Jesus did when he came to earth both as God and man. Now that is just completely my brief interpretation and poor attempt at an explanation, but I hope you understand that just like body language some things are conveyed so differently then when we use our words.
Since that visit when they spoke a good number of Weeks the only thing that has gotten me out of bed has been the fact that if I woke up today God has a reason for it. The main reason is to spread the gospel. I may not say it in so many words with every person I interact with but what I can do is try and show love, sympathy, and empathy and recognize we only know a 10th of what anyone is ever going through. Am I ever going to beat someone over the head with a Bible? No. Because at the end of the day all I can do is tell you how faithful God has been in my life and how he has changed my life.
If you decide to make that decision it has to be your decision and yours alone because there are going to be nights when it is only you and God at 3:00 AM.
Remembering the joy on Jen’s face when she spoke, her laughter Was bittersweet because I was so happy for her even though she is not fully healed to the point where she was prior to the accident.
So back to the study tonight as we’re going through their book, one of the questions was what are the lies we believe that keep us from spreading the gospel? If I have something in me that has enabled me to continue to get up out of bed and go to work and function and cook and shower then it is certainly more than capable of tearing down the lies. I either know I am unaware of how deep they go or am unaware of as of yet.
In the interest of relatability, I think one of the ones that they happen to give us an example and that goes deeper than I was aware of was “I’m not good enough”.
So for all of you who think you are not good enough, here are some ways I am not good enough and realize that they are lies.
1. “No one cares about me”. If people actually cared, they would make the time to reach out. Now I do have to say there is a huge, massive, cultural difference, living in farmlands where many families not only are very large, but have as land owners been in this area for generations. As such they have built in friendships and people to go to and communities built in because everyone knows everyone else because they have all lived down here for generations and have gone to the same schools, etc., at nausea.
The truth is that people do care. I may not have many physical friends down here but there are still a good number of dear friends online that I regularly communicate with and this church is very promising in the interactions I have had since I have started attending on Palm Sunday. Plus I do have a few friends from town and other churches that reach out from down here.
2. I would have made a horrible mom so that is why, even after my hysterectomy and I had planned to adopt everything fell through. I was never meant to be a mom because I could not handle it especially with having mental health be a factor.
This one is one of the hardest because it combines the self-esteem part of not feeling good enough, but also what they call in psychology, fortune telling and black-and-white thinking. Essentially, it’s distorted thinking.
I have come to terms as best I can with not being a mom, but more importantly, I know that God’s reasonings is beyond my comprehension. It even says “His ways are higher than our ways” (Isaiah 55: 8-9). There may be many distinct reasons but trying to work out why something did not work out it is not only futile, it is a fool proof recipe for emotional disaster.
Even now there are times when I feel like a bad cat mom because I cannot play with Goldie down on the floor or brush her like I used to before my injury or even take the pressure of her lying next to me or on me for more than maybe 10 minutes. I would have to wager that unless you are an animal lover, the idea of feeling like a bad pet parent may sound absurd. But it is a very real thing, especially when you consider the research reasoning and popularity for emotional support animals.
Needless to say, I do believe in that one meme (although I do not know how theologically sound it is) but that God created animals that could not speak our language just to prove the existence of unconditional love.
Which does make me wonder if one atom was naming all of the animals in the garden if they could actually talk and they had a discussion about it. Not so much that the animal came up with the idea of its name, but told Adam it’s different traits and specific talents and that’s how Adam came up with the name. (Is there any theological basis for this? No. It’s just one of the many strange quirks of how my brain works. That keeps me up at night).
3. I’m not good enough and don’t look good enough or I’m not interesting enough because if I was, why am I still single?
This is very similar to the previous about distorted thinking, but this takes into account projection and comparison and remembering countless things that have been said to me or I have said to myself that back all this up.
Is it terribly lonely and hard being single with no kids and few friends in an area you barely know? Yes of course it is. Especially when those are the first few questions when making small talk. And consequently, how successful that small talk will be if you have things in common like kids at the same school or a spouse who loves football (just for the record. The only football I love is the original football, soccer).
But again, this goes back to the verse of his ways being higher than my ways, his plans higher than mine. And most recently I’ve been waking up quite early and have just started praying. What a relationship be nice? Yes. But above and beyond everything else, my relationship with Christ comes first.
Do I think I’m guaranteed a relationship? No. Not a romantic one at least. I think that’s why the church body is so important. But what has been paramount is getting to know what Psalm 46:10 means when it says “Be still I know that I am God.”
I think I have been learning all about my faith and what it means to me on an entirely different level than what it did when I wrote my first book. It’s not that those things are untrue, but that when I wake up for example, I just lie here and talk to God. I have still got a long way to go on the listening as far as discernment and not judging silence as Him not being right next to me. What I think in fact, it is is the deepening of my understanding of the relational aspect of my faith. What it means to see God as an actual friend and talk to Him as such. To have time to go over how he’s been faithful and to ask him for strength. To admit that there are so many things I cannot do in my own willpower such as running my parasympathetic nervous system, or breathing, or sometimes making it through the day. But the point is is that I don’t have to. God willingly takes that on and wants to show me how He will be faithful again this day if He chose to wake me up.
I’m not guaranteed the next breath. None of us are. But again these blogs and posts is not me trying to force you into believing something because that’s not belief that’s coercion. And be at 3 AM or in the middle of the day your decision is up to you because the help will only come if you ask of your own volition and actually believe for yourself. But I can tell you that He does listen and wants you and loves you so much they sacrificed Christ his son for your sake to take on the penalty that none of us could pay. But the good news is that this is a free offering. And I stretched hand. Salvation cannot be achieved by volunteering here giving to this charity or even just attending church. It has to be an actual dialogue where you realize Grace is being extended by adopting us into his family, redeeming us, no longer holding any of our past against us and setting us free to have a relationship with God, have a Holy Spirit live inside us to help us throughout the day, intercede for us, and have Christ “no longer call us servants, but friends” (John 15:15).