Work has been getting more and more physical. It’s not even that I’m lifting heavier things but it’s getting busier and so I’m doubling my steps reaching above shoulder height kneeling squatting filling and working on the computer as well. None of it is bad in and of itself. But my pain has become much more pronounced because of the pace, I’m being “on” more. That is to say the more stressful or busy I or the workplace become the more animated and jovial I become to diffuse the possibility of a customer having a less than positive experience which is simply a result of years of working in retail and sales and marketing. Don’t get my wrong I love my job but this is outside it.
The problem with this is that I’m burning more calories probably more my adrenal glands and frankly so much more energy and I can even begin to replace. Prior to this week, I know I have been getting better albeit very very slowly but this week I just lost it.
I keep trying to keep my eyes on Jesus and pray throughout the day But the best I can manage is trying to survive and share the fruits of the spirit with my customers.
At the very least just try to be grateful for the good customers and complement as many people as possible because it does brighten the situation even just for a little which in turn does make me feel better.
But by Tuesday it felt like Friday, and I keep praying and putting on the armor of God before I even get out of bed and pray for strength to get through the day because I know I certainly can’t do it in my strength. Yet the physical pain is now only compounded with the additional stress and my emotions are bottoming out and that in turn generates its own. Manifestation of physical pain.
I keep praying if it’s God’s will to heal me but tonight I honestly couldn’t even tell you if I believed He could or that he wanted to or that there was some unconfessed sin that was blocking my ability to receive healing he may be sending or that He even listened or cared.
But the fact remains that his word says we are precious in his sight (Psalm 139:1-12), He bends down to listen to us pray (Psalm 116:2) He does not waste any of our pain (Romans 8:28) He catches all of our tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8) He will never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 4:31, Deuteronomy 31:8), He’s constantly with us (Matthew 28:20) He hurts when we hurt (a Isaiah 63:9 and is grieved when we are grieved. He also knows that every day I wanna go back to something of the world that will help ease this pain and cope and for me, although there was a plethora to choose from the easiest would be vaping. So many times, in the last eight weeks when going for a walk I’ve had to stop and turn around in the other direction because of the convenience store where I used to buy them less than a quarter of a mile down the street from my house. However, Jesus it is documented, knows what it is like to be tempted to take the easier road look at what happened when he was tempted for 40 days in the desert and everything Satan said and offered to give Him. Hebrews 4:15 says: “Jesus understands every weakness of ours, because he was tempted in every way that we are”
He knows that part of my breakdown. Also was that I wanna stop asking completely for healing because I don’t wanna get my hopes up and not be healed. Like many many many nights before I just cried and surrendered. For the rest of the night, that’s all I can do.
A Lent devotional “Lent: The Journey of Letting Go” says “Let yourself feel the weight of your burdens—but don’t stop there. Picture placing those burdens at the foot of the cross. Linger in the stillness, thank Him for bearing them, and rest in the peace He offers through His sacrifice.”
This is an hourly battle, and I don’t know what else I can lay down or how to lay down grief when silence answers and the peace promised is so elusive. Which in turn creates more grief. All I can say it if well with my soul’s final destination and I have hope and peace in that. It’s the surviving until I get to heaven that’s the hardest.
It’s bearing up under this that is like greek myth of Sisyphus rolling the massive stone up the hill each morning that took all day. Only to start again the next day from the bottom.
Before I even get out of bed and put the Armor of God on. Thank God it’s not my responsibility to hold each piece up in my own strength. All that is required is willingness and he will bear the rest. He will do all the heavy lifting.
This is not to say that I don’t continually go to him in prayer but when I’m exhausted by 11:00 AM and I still have hours to go in my shift, dinner to make, dishes to do and a shower to take He’s the one who’s going to get me through the next 15 minutes (and the rest of the night if He decides). It’s certainly nothing I would do in my own strength or be capable of doing. At this point I have to alternate the days I cook, and the days I shower because my pain level is so high.
Ultimately, I will admit there are days I’m disappointed I woke up. But if he has decided in his sovereignty to give me another day then I surrender it to Him and say “I’m going to need you to help me make it through the day, our by hour Lord”.
Some mornings it’s “God, I need you to help me get of bed”. But between prayer and devotionals in the morning and listening to sermons or reading solid Christian material every day he gets me through. As the phrase goes so far, he has 100% track record of getting you through. I just have to keep my eyes on his faithfulness, take a moment by moment and surrender everything.
References:
1. Romans 8:26 (MSG): “The moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans”.
2. Psalm 139:1-18: “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.”
3. Psalm 116:2: “Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live.”
4. Romans 8:28: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
5. Psalm 56: 8: “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?”
6. Deuteronomy 4:31(NIV): For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your ancestors, which he confirmed to them by oath.
7. Deuteronomy 31:8:l (NIV): The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
8. Matthew 28:20 (AMP) “…and lo, I am with you always [remaining with you perpetually—regardless of circumstance, and on every occasion], even to the end of the age.”
9. Isaiah 63:9 (AMP): “In all their distress He was distressed.
10. Hebrews 4:15 (CEV): “Jesus understands every weakness of ours, because he was tempted in every way that we are”.
11. Romans 8:26 (MSG): The moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans
12. Psalm 34:18 (ESV): “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit”