Heather Bush

Do You Want To Know?

Do you want to get to know me?

Truly, honestly… to really see

What lies beneath 

The mud and leaves?

My life has not been a walk in the park

But I can tell you how I no longer live in or am afraid of the dark. 

I’ve been there you see

In utter darkness yet still wrapped in majesty.

When I felt all was lost

It never changed the actions at the cross. 

When I no longer felt safe even inside my own head

Calvary beckoned, saying “He is no longer dead”.

It took hitting my rock bottom to see the price of that ransom. 

Through grace I am made new,

Welcomed home, my tears now few. 

Life will still have trouble, but it is written “take heart for I have overcome the world”; our blessings shall be more than doubled.  

In the midst of insanity He still loves me. 

In the midst of self doubt and loathing He still loves me. 

In the midst of my soul’s debt He still loves me…

And for that I am eternally grateful, awestruck, speechless and redeemed. 

There is so much to be said about surrender but what stands out to me the most is that I no longer have to be a prisoner of my past. Yes there are times when I feel guilt shame and remorse over some of my actions and can even say there were times I was shackled to those emotions, not letting myself grow or expand beyond them. 

For so long I let someone else define the boundaries of my identity, my sense of self worth and even what I pursued intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. It was unhealthy, nay, toxic on every level. 

It’s taken me about three years but I can now say that I no longer feel the shame and self loathing. Will I have to live with the mistakes I’ve made? Yes. But I no longer have to beat myself up over them on a daily basis. 

It all was a part of a bigger plan. In surrendering to finally agreeing to the fact that there is a power greater than myself, an entity who has a larger plan for me (whose intricate details are too complex for me to fully comprehend) I am shown that I can live once again. That my chains are broken. 

Once I’ve made my confessions and gotten right with God, no one can take that away from me. No one has the right to. 

So you see there is power in surrender. I’ve made me peace and will openly discuss my past with you, not for my own ego but rather for the glory of He who forgave me long before I even forgave myself. 

________

“Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness, prisoners suffering in iron chains, because they rebelled against God’s commands and despised the plans of the Most High.

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains.”

Psalm 107:10-11, 13-14 NIV https://www.bible.com/bible/111/PSA.107.10-11,13-14.niv

“But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,”

– 1 Peter 3:15 NIV

http://bible.com/111/1pe.3.15.niv