My 3 AM Moment and Surprising Resulting Good

Woke up from a nightmare of being in a long term recovery hospital where there were some who I haven’t thought of in years were being released after a full healing and she said “I finally get to see my girl”. “Oh?” I said, “I didn’t know you have kids”. “Just my one little girl, I haven’t been able to see her much but I hopefully will now”. I just smiled, too emotional to speak.

A little observant boy was looking at me intently and as children are sometimes more insightful than we give them credit for and a bit more direct than we’d like, asked me “you want kids too don’t you?” “Yes, I would like to have a girl too but it hasn’t worked out that way.”

Then it switched and my bed was outside and it was summer and warm, I was on a rooftop with an inner room as well. But this time I was all alone and just like the question, the emptiness felt just as painful.

I woke up asking why I would be reminded of this. And after an hour of going back and forth trying to get comfortable because of the pain – which I honestly think was affected by the dream too- and get “comfortable” again with God I realized it’s my turn to be up at 3 am unable to sleep.

I thought back to yesterday where I got a beautiful card from my best friend and how much it blessed me, as her friendship does flat out. Then I remembered the “Flowers” song by Samantha Ebert I “just so happened” to hear for the first time as the radio station KLOVE was introducing it. After getting nerve testing done (I was not expecting the actual electrical shocks to test the nerves themselves) I thought I can’t drive but at least I can try and walk the block. It was nearly 50° and sunny and still relatively early in the evening.

I walked ¾ of a mile and although that’s nothing compared to 6-7 I’d do at a clip last summer, it’s more than I’ve done in months. But more importantly, it was taking my mom’s advice to not listen to lies. The lies of self assessment and fear that I won’t be able to walk despite the truth that it is getting harder. But I also, I’m in no position to play fortune teller and say this is what’s going to happen. Only God knows knows what’s going to happen because He’s already had a plan for this. There’s a reason it’s happening (do I know all or even one or two? No. But again, I’m not God and can’t see the long game). He’s walking with me everyday just as real as He was for the half hour yesterday, and is with me now as I write this.

To be brutally honest, facing prison or stoning or a firing squad for keeping my faith sometimes seems easier than the intangible battles fought in my mind, the whispered lies from my being “defective”, “unlovable” “forgettable” or just plain  “not worth the effort” because if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be writing this with only my cat for company. It’s the intangible mental battles that bring the most emotional turmoil spiritually and having to discern the bars I’ve erected myself versus facing man made ones is harder to see. Things like habits, attitudes, perspectives (like black and white thinking or any others on a common list of cognitive distortions) are just a few examples.

But then I realized yes, I’ve been up for going on two hours now but I have indoor plumbing on the same floor no less, a warm bed to get back into, a cat who reminds me of what unconditional love can look like, internet, electricity, cell service and a phone if there was an emergency, new worship music, the ability to walk and still drive, a church, family, friends and most importantly above and beyond all this a God who is with me and is completely sovereign over this entire thing. He has been since it began, He’s been faithful in so many ways in my life before and promises to always be so.

So yes I have a lot going on and a lot I could see as negative or I can do my best to stay focused on not only the good I can see now but the good He promises to come from all this in Romans 8:28. I used to have mixed feelings about that before, but now I cling to it. I may not know the whys or hows, but He does; as seen in Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

And the Amplified Bible translation for Romans 8:28 has been the most helpful recently:

“And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.”

Matthew 28:20b

“I am with you always [remaining with you perpetually—regardless of circumstance, and on every occasion], even to the end of the age.”

As He told Israel, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you.” (Jeremiah 31:3), He says now in John 3:16-17 ““For God so [greatly] loved and dearly prized the world, that He [even] gave His [One and] only begotten Son, so that whoever believes and trusts in Him [as Savior] shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge and condemn the world [that is, to initiate the final judgment of the world], but that the world might be saved through Him.”

So if I’ve lost sleep and have to get up in two hours, what is that compared to all I do have? If I can sleep, wonderful but if not I have The Truths above, inside me, and finally Matthew 6:26:

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”