Category: Musings

I recently asked a friend what the difference between belief and trust is, and it was interesting how they can be used interchangeably, but have subtle differences, depending on the context.

Scars and grief are like that as well. Both scars and grief find their origins in a traumatic event. Both have their own need to be addressed and worked through. Both leave lasting effects.

Grief leaves scars on the heart that can be clearly seen in the eyes at certain times. Physical scars are not always visible as well, but can be seen when one decides to reveal its presence to another.

How does all of this relate? Right now, in my journey, I’ve both believed that the grief and scars will heal as much as possible, but what I’ve discovered is not that I do not trust that this will happen or have not trust that it will happen, but rather learn to trust the process of dealing with the reality of the grief and scars existence is an ongoing process. It is worth noting that personally it is an evolutionary process where things do not feel now like they did when I experienced the events that led to both.

For example, there is the grief of losing my grandmother or recalling former mistakes and the scars left from multiple surgeries I’ve had.

One final piece of this that has yet to be addressed is the word faith, which is also commonly found when using the words belief and trust. In the first 24 to 48 hours I had to take it on other peoples’ words that things would get better and have faith that what they said was true. They were right and it did get better. But now I found that even after a decent passage of time, I have had to come to terms with relying on that faith that it has in the most superficial sense gotten better but in reality, I need to remind myself of a faith that got me through in a deeper sense.

Perhaps this would best be explained through the following illustration:

When it summertime and I go down the shore in a bathing suit, some of my scars are visible, and I have to relinquish the conviction that that is all people will see.

Alternatively, when sharing with others, the grief resurfaces, but not to the same ferocity it had in the beginning. However, it did take a few hours for the throbbing of the scars on my heart from said grief to stop throbbing so painfully.

Yet I would not trade either the scars or the grief because they create not only a point in which another individual and I can relate, but also compose parts of my testimony, which in the long run is the most important.

There was a time in my life as a junior in high school where I had loved someone so deeply but never said anything and they didn’t either. The bond remained the closest friendship I’ve had to date. It’s not that I don’t have friends now who I love, but they have yet to reach that depth and I frankly don’t know if they have the capacity to.

It’s been more than 20 years and in this last few days I’ve deeply struggled as much as I deeply loved and I’ve realized I still miss that person, that love that I had never felt before or since.

I see others so happy with their spouses and although I know they don’t face their own relational problems, it’s heartbreaking and yet bittersweet at the same time because I am genuinely happy for them.

 

You see love is impossible to describe. Thousands upon thousands of poems, books, storie, songs and films have tried to covey it but in the end they all fall short. Love cannot be described, only felt. Yes there are attributes such as wanting to always be around them, go places, see and experience things together, laugh and cry together and yes, even be willing to admit and forgive and wrongdoings but these all are actions and aspects of a relationship; they are not the feelings themselves. There simply are not enough adjectives or even the proper words to describe it.

 

The love that never was haunts me more than any shadow of that love I felt in the following years with one individual in college. Then I fell into the trappings of what I thought was finally a love that rivaled that first only to be trapped, gaslighted, mentally and emotionally damaged in every single way possible for a decade. It left me so terribly broken and completely devoid of any sense of self, purpose or identity but in retrospect it did save me from a path that would’ve ended as they say “either dead or in jail”.

 

What is there to tell of earthly love? Nothing except it is as fleeting as a vapor, promises and temperamental enchantments both of which shatter as quickly as a priceless vase falls to the kitchen floor.

Many experience it differently but in the end it’s sliding down a grass hill in summer. Sweet smelling but downwards and short nonetheless.

I’ve more scars from love than violence and more often than not they were one and the same. Shall I tell you of these horror stories? No. It’s not worth the time or energy.  It’s already down in paper anyways and my vocal cords are too raw to speak of it again.

So I’ll borrow from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet in describing it:

  MERCUTIO

True, I talk of dreams,

Which are the children of an idle brain, Begot of nothing but vain fantasy,

Which is as thin of substance as the air And more inconstant than the wind, who wooes Even now the frozen bosom of the north, And, being anger’d, puffs away from thence, Turning his face to the dew-dropping south.

There’s little to add except that love is a folly’s pleasure, a game of dice, a toss of the coin. What’s more is that tempus fugit, and the only true love and hope is in the Eternal. The rest is a slow, all too aware of being buried alive a little more each day.

The best we can do is love those we can and point them to the One who is the only one able to show real agape love in the first place.

 

Its been 10 years since that relationship ended and 6 years since I’ve come back to Christ. But even His love is impossible to describe without pointing to His actions on Calvary. His records of being moved with great compassion such as when Lazarus died and as it says, “Jesus wept”.

 

The problem with love here on earth is that it can only be understood through our interactions with others. Be they family, friends, communities and even spouses.

 

We know God loves us, even when we can’t feel it but feeling His love is different for each person as much as is each of our own journeys in this life.

 

What then are we to do when told He loves us? When we are told to return to our first love? But it’s not the first person we were in love with but God who loved us before we were even born, who loved us before we even acknowledged His existence, or decided to accept this love in and of itself.

 

Yes, we can refer to “The Four Loves” by C. S. Lewis as our closet description of love, but to experience it is an entirely different matter.

 

To understand love here on earth we must first understand pain. Our pain, His pain and the promise of one day, if we have accepted Christ, spending eternity in His love where there are no more tears, no more sorrow, only the fulfillment of ultimate love for which we lack the ability to fully comprehend this side of eternity.

This past Tuesday during the torrential all day and night rains we finally lost power for 2 hours and I was ill equipped. I was literally in the middle of trying to fix my old police flashlight, trying to figure out why the batteries weren’t working (but I’d had it for over a decade), sitting on the hallway floor cross legged with a package of AAA batteries in front of me when the power went out. This blackout was my a culmination of my worst fears. I didn’t have anything but a few candles and a motion activated, thin bar usb powered over the kitchen light maybe 2.5” wide and a small stick on the refrigerator magnetized flashlight. What if a tree branch broke through either of my bedroom windows and I didn’t have enough light or means to see and repair all the damage? What if I lost all the food in my refrigerator? What if my phone died and I needed help but couldn’t call anyone?

Plus my mom was still driving home in this weather! I got down on my knees, then even laid my forehead on the floor with arms outstretched and prayed “Lord I care more about her than even myself. I don’t know what I’d do or how I’d survive without her, I love her more than anyone in this world, but Your will be done.”

After I said all I could muster and felt called to just go to bed, nothing was in my control, in the darkness alone (Goldie was in the living room chair despite me repeatedly calling her) I started talking to God like I haven’t in years. Pleading to regenerate those parts of my heart and mind atrophied still, to have Him call them back to life like Lazarus. To use the Holy Spir to unfreeze the hands so long clasped and clinging to whatever held me from allowing Him to enter into those parts of me that they were frozen in that position. Many other things I won’t write here but ultimately surrendered absolutely everything and a calm peace finally came over me as I heard one phrase, “Daughter I am here, you are not alone. I have this all in control” So many times I hear Him say similar words (usually the first phrase verbatim) and I know I’m not alone, but although I have felt and known this before, it went 1,000 times deeper into my soul and very being. 

So many verses came back to me, most in phrases of the verse or psalm like I have taped all over my bathroom mirror and walls and around the house, some full verses. I finally fell asleep in the darkness only to be awoken not too long afterwards when my overhead bedroom light, hallway light and all the lights in the living room came back on. 

I woke up and my first thought was “thank you Lord”; but it was not only for the physical light, but also the power outage itself that He used to draw me closer. 

My mom did get home safe (she had texted when the blackout was still ongoing) and I immediately messaged those I had asked to pray for her. I could say so many wonderful things about her, but suffice to say she is second in my life only below Christ. 

This taught me some very powerful lessons. God is in control of everything. He does use all things for good, even if it may not feel that way in that moment and more often than not, not immediately. This is why I think we need to be so careful when quoting Romans 8:28 to others in their distress. He listens to our cries and answers. He is our rock, shield and salvation. He saves us from ourselves on every and any possible way. From our eternal destination, to our hour by hour or even minute by minute situations. He protects us from ourselves. He watches over us, and even when we don’t know what to say even the Holy Spirit Himself intercedes for us with wordless groans. 

So there are many things that still need fixing, from things as worldly as my deteriorated drivers side front and back door sealant – I’ve got it all covered in heavy duty garbage bags duct tapped from top to bottom after finding 5” of water in the back seat the following morning – to the own personal mental, emotional and spiritual work that still needs fixing (and truth be told, much will not be fully, truly and completely healed this side of eternity). But I know both are a work in progress. However, that fact that they are being worked on – and not in my own power gives me hope. 

The power did go out again that same night but I slept through it unknowingly. Is this not true, in a sense of our lives themselves? Even when we may not feel it or even when we feel like He is silent, He is still working. Our emotions and thoughts may in some stretch of the metaphor be “asleep”, we are sleeping peacefully while He remains ever present, all knowing, all powerful and ever working. 

So I thank God for Tuesday’s blackout, reminders of previous blackouts that ultimately drew me closer to Him and tonight as we face this heavy snowstorm this upcoming Monday through Tuesday that may or may not produce the same results; and beyond that the blackouts of trials and tribulations I know I’ll experience again before my life is over as my walk grows closer to Him I take heart knowing that as Christ said in John 16:33: ”I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.””

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭139‬:‭11‬-‭12‬ ‭

”If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.“

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‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40‬:‭28‬-‭29‬ ‭

”Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He 

does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.“

Psalm 34:1-22

”I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together! I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. 

The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. 

Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. What man is there who desires life and loves many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry. 

The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken. Affliction will slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be condemned. The Lord redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.“

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I just woke up from the powerful dream I’ve ever had. I was still living with mom but had gotten up while she was still asleep and drove down the shore with a grey beach chair and a grey folding chair to take pictures. I drove up to a wooden tower and had to climb to the very top carrying all my stuff but I didn’t mind because it had a beautiful view and there was this older couple singing hymns, so I started singing along with them. I fixed the aperture of my camera and adjusted the f-stop so I could capture the moon  in the twilight as it rose framed by the tower’s pinnacle. I left my all my stuff there and began the decent only to realize I had left my bag, camera and chair behind.

I went back after reaching the first landing, and was greatly surprised that no one had touched it because this elderly couple who I’ve been singing with, had been watching over it for me. I left the gray folding chair there for someone else who may need it.

As I reached the bottom floor, I walked through and saw faces of people, but there were more than the amount I thought might be in a beach setting 12 step meeting, which is absolutely fine and I assumed might be larger given the lifestyle down the beach. Everyone was very hopeless in their eyes. As I made my way to the door I saw that there were all these vendors congregated, handing out some sort of satanic club stickers and rather than feel afraid I just felt sorry for them. They weren’t mean, just there.

I walked into green, specifically, looking for an ice cream shop that I had gone down for as well. A gentleman named Thomas introduced himself and held my bag for me. I walked up to the ice cream counter and realized it wasn’t like it used to be, but that you ordered scoop of ice cream and then they had bins of all of these different toppings you would choose to add yourself. The woman behind me asked if there was anything gluten-free and I was glad she did because I hadn’t thought to ask. Again, I had left my bag off to the side and I went back startled thinking I had left it with a complete stranger, and Thomas just smiled and came up, handed me my bag and paid for my ice cream.

As we were standing there, a group of young teenagers were singing a hymn, and I started singing along, and then this loving Hispanic woman stood next to me with her left hand held right above my heart. I could tell she was praying into me. Nothing else mattered at that point except as we reached the end of the I exhaled, truly feeling like something had clicked with inside me. I let out sigh, and as I did, I woke up, not gasping, but just taking in huge deep breaths, as the end of my playlist was playing him “All to Jesus I Surrender”.

I told Siri to play the last song that was playing because I wasn’t sure what it was, and just laid here with my right hand above my heart in the dark thinking this is what I should surrender to is not to a flag, not any symbol, but Christ alone.

I had woken up a few times previously tonight and right before I went to sleep this time I was thinking about all the expectations I had for the church service that will begin in about four hours. They were all these thoughts about people I would like to see but also potential confrontations, and a particular situation to consider. This one again involved to gentlemen and his daughter in the potential of the daughter’s mother being there.

Before falling asleep, I had been thinking, specifically of telling her what a blessing it was to have the matriarch of her family still living and caring for their family. Additionally, that she was lucky enough to have a daughter when I couldn’t and one who is specifically so loving and kind and openhearted  and I  told her that I had no intentions of replacing her- that is and never will be my place.

Also that not everyone still has the blessing of the matriarch of the family living an active in that family life and I hope she realized what a blessing that was, and how important it was to show her the honor and respect not only to that individual because of who she is, but because of the title she holds.

I went to say that I hope she realizes how lucky she is to have a daughter, who not only has a father in her life, but one who obviously unconditionally loves their daughter. I specifically went over the dialogue, a number of times, and the idea of getting called a number of names and being slapped across the face. I thought to myself, if that does happen, that I would tell her, I no longer answer to those names, but to simply wish her a Merry Christmas and walk away. And to tell her that I do love her daughter, simply for who she is. That I don’t have any intentions of replacing her as a mother, but just want to convey how lucky I think she is to have her.

I don’t know what today will bring, nor what the future will bring in any capacity for that matter, but it’s not for me to know. As I write this, “Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel” is playing (which is unusual, because it’s only one of the two, maybe three Christmas songs I have on this playlist) and is now being followed with “Nothing but the Blood of Jesus”.

As I laid here, listening to “All to Jesus I Surrender”once more, I realized I always used to say trust “the process”. But the difference in my life now is that “the process” is in fact God‘s plan for my life. I am at complete peace with whatever this Christmas Eve service holds and the people I will interact with. What’s more important is that I feel peace with whatever the future holds. Both good or bad.

I wish you all a very merry Christmas and the peace I feel right now.

I just woke up from another nightmare, but this was of a different type. It was of a character who once played a part in the play of my life that said they wanted me to help them plan a trip they had always dreamed of taking and my only response was “I thought you didn’t care about me anymore”.

I woke up to Marj Synders rendition of “Does Jesus Care?” and “For Those Tears I Died” and the lyrics were of both were soothing to be certain, but I was very aware of what a different aspect of grief beyond missing those who have passed from this life. There is a grief for the ghosts of those who once playing the part of “one of the good guys”. 

There is a grief deeper still than those players, there is a grieving of the emotions associated with them. Such emotions go beyond the actual characters, but transcend into becoming ghosts that in and of the themselves that have their own special way of haunting our hearts. 

There is a fear that such emotions of feeling needed, feeling cared for, feeling safe and loved never coming again – at least in or perhaps on would be the better word – being manifested on this physical plane and reality. One of the lyrics of her other songs “Reach Out” says “when you reach out to Jesus, you’ll never be alone.” 

Yes, arguments made validated be made that there are friends and family who feel these feelings presently in your life, but these particular ghosts carry their own version of Jacob Marley’s chains. 

And yes, even in the play A Christmas Carol Jacob Marley appears in a dream and tonight it was again once again presented in the form of a dream. But you see, dreams are a funny thing. They can be good or bad as we sleep and they can also be good or bad when applied to the dreams we hold onto while awake. Good dreams in both can be helpful in giving us peace or motivation, but the bad can haunt and cause despair when asleep but also while awake as they can apply to those that have not become actualized despite our best efforts year after year. 

Stepping back into the grief of those emotions revisited in dreams, there is a cold hard reality we must face that the characters be they people or emotions have become ghosts. They apply to characters that have “exited stage left” to borrow the theatrical  phrase. In a way, this term plays upon the humor particular to the irony of life. Emotional and mental satire. 

It is easy to advise one to leave the past in the past and move on, but when it appears outside of our accord, it is harder to follow such well meaning words. 

It is also true that we can also grieve for those whose role was cast as the villains for the simple fact that they were still actors who were present for a time. 

In a strange way these seemingly contrasting characters of the past and what they represent can become unfortunately all too intertwined when they pass on from our lives. 

What is more, these haunts can resurrect when we look both at our present days and future plans. 

There is yet another level to be addressed. When the ghosts of those villains begin to take shape once more in our present day lives. When their dialogues are echoed, yet now perhaps as not even as strong or verbatim, it casts a shadow. As Hamlet’s father, they may not even be villains but rather victims who are attempting to warn us of present dangers. 

And this is where trusting our instincts come into play. With the best intentions to follow the advice of leaving the past in the past, we may inadvertently ignore those gut instincts in the folly of overly reactionary optimism. We try to move on and give grace or at least the benefit of the doubt to these new characters. And when we are faced with the fact that we should have listened to our gut instincts from the start, there is a tendency for self criticism in the inner monologue of “I should have known better”. 

How do we counteract trying to now follow good advice when contrasted with the lessons of the past we have painfully learned? There is no easy answer to this question, and perhaps there is in fact no pate answer out there. It is unfortunate (to put it lightly) that we need to approach others with this very question in mind as each new situation arises. And this may be the most grievous of all.