Category: Musings

Just a few phrases and facts to preface this with (if this were a scientific or psychological or professional peer reviewed article consider this the abstract):

“People don’t care what you know until they know you care”

“To fix a problem you need to acknowledge there is one to begin with”

“We cannot change another person’s behavior or beliefs or the like. That is ultimately up to them – and for good reason, they’re not going to be coming to you at 3 am. They’re going to go to their behaviors and higher power not you. All you can do is offer what has worked for you, plant the seed and love them as they make their decision(s) and continue to love them even if when they make said decision it’s not the one you were hoping for”.

“People only hear what they want to and are capable of hearing.”

“If they say they care then they will make the time to communicate with you. It doesn’t have to be a 3 hour conversation every night, but if they care they will make the time.”

“Truth is subjective until it isn’t anymore. Our eyes actually transmit what we see to our brains through the visual cortex and it gets flipped on the horizontal axis so our brains process reality upside down, or reality is really reversed than how we perceive it” (upside down kingdom)

“The simple things in life are the most beautiful, precious, often fleeting and hardest to follow” (keep it simple, stupid)

“Yesterday’s gone, tomorrow – even the next heartbeat- is not promised, all we have is today”

“Contrary to popular belief, people can change. To say that’s just how they are, they’ll never change, excuses them of responsibility and robs them the opportunity of growing through a new behavior (be it mental, verbal, emotional, spiritual), lifestyle or mindset. But they will only change if they want to”

“Hurt people hurt people”

That’s enough to chew on for a while for sure but there are some things that I think deserve additional attention to flesh out the full implications and not have it taken out of context.

One of my favorite movies growing up was the Princess Bride and one of the best lines is “Life is suffering highness. Whoever tells you anything else is selling you something”. Even Jesus, whether you believe in Him or not, said in John 16:33 that “in this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world”

We are all broken people- none of us are perfect, have a perfect life despite our social media highlight reels and are living in a broken world whose very existence is treated with every passing year with worse and worse chemicals being injected or into our farms and food supplies, is has been a long standing fact that it’s nearly impossible to eat healthy if you’re forced to watch your food budget.

Many are forced to choose between food and paying for rent, utilities, transportation and other basic necessities. At the time of this Feeding America report in 2018, one in nine adults and one in seven children lived in households without consistent access to adequate food. When analyzed in 2018, across the 37 million those individuals estimated to be food insecure, however, the national shortfall stands at nearly 19.5 billion. Through the lens of local meal costs, it is possible to see how difficult it is to afford enough food to live active healthy lives.

Not only that but making necessary dietary changes to account for health reasons such as gluten intolerance or other allergies for example can add quite easily an additional $200 a month to an individual’s food budget. This is to say nothing of the stress of having to constantly have on hand food that you are able to eat, be able to find a local restaurant that offers food you are able to eat and deal with at the very cheapest $3 for exchanging white wheat or rye toast for Cauliflower bread.

But this is representative of our societal and individual starvation and cost we are expected to pay to even get proper “nutrition”. We are the most connected, fastest growing generation concerning technological advancement, progress and availability of information (what once ranged about 80 years now only takes about 2.5), yet we more isolated, lonely, overlooked and neglected who not only lack connection, but even the language, capacity or ability to build those lacking skills for want of available resources such as free or low cost events to gather with others in real life versus via some sort of screen.

“US Trends in Social Isolation, Social Engagement, and Companionship”

presented us with the following sad but true supporting research findings in 2022:

Social connectedness is essential for health and longevity, while isolation exacts a heavy toll on individuals and society. We present U.S. social connectedness magnitudes and trends as target phenomena to inform calls for policy-based approaches to promote social health. Using the 2003–2020 American Time Use Survey, this study finds that, nationally, social isolation increased, social engagement with family, friends, and ‘others’ (roommates, neighbors, acquaintances, coworkers, clients, etc.) decreased, and companionship (shared leisure and recreation) decreased.

Humans are one of the most social of all animals and seek frequent, on-going social engagement . Social isolation (i.e., social deficits indicated by infrequent or insufficient engagement with others) is linked to decrements in health and longevity. Isolated individuals are at elevated risk for cardiovascular disease, dementia, infectious disease, low functional status, anxious or depressed mood, biological markers of poor health (e.g., C-reactive protein, fibrinogen levels), and mortality including overdose and suicide. Isolation is comparable to or rivals other well-known mortality risk factors like air pollution, smoking, and inactivity. (Kannan VD, Veazie PJ.)

We have to actively fight this epidemic and engage with others even if it means going out of your comfort zone- in fact it would be better for all parties involved if this were the case- to facilitate human contact, listen to and possibly learn from each other, express (or learn) empathy, compassion and a different perspective. If all we ever do is stay within our comfort zone of already established societal bubbles, what would keep us from intellectual, emotional and mental stagnation at best or atrophy if brutally honest?

We only know less than 1/10th of what any individual is going through and even your closest friends and family members if you are lucky enough to have them often still hold back.

We all have gone through periods of hurting, have recently come out of it, are in it, or are about to go into it. We need to recognize that if we do something as small as make eye contact or even smile at a stranger that could potentially be lifesaving. Adding a compliment not based on their appearance (such as their smile or thanking them for service if at a check out counter, or especially if they are wearing any type of uniform or veteran’s hat etc) can increase this impact ten-fold. Doing so actually helps us ease our own hurt and potentially theirs however briefly. However, let us not discount this powerful action based on the length of the interaction.

Unfortunately it may be easier to do this for strangers because of the brevity mentioned. When it comes to friends and family if we say we care we actually need to back that up and show up instead of just one or two sentences on the inside of a holiday card. They need us just as much as we need them and if regular contact is not maintained – however short and through whatever platform or method(s) are most comfortable- then we need to evaluate the situation. Time is something that flies by too fast and we are never promised and even sending a simple text asking how their day is going or sharing something that made you laugh can do wonders. It’s the simple intangibles that often go farther than we will ever realize.

We need to be willing to change and reject the lie that people will never change. Yes it might take a near death experience- hopefully not- but people can and do change when they want to. And change for the better.

But none of this will take place if we don’t at least acknowledge that the current situation is what it is and that there are crises, wounds, secret “hanging on only by a thread” individuals in our lives that we most likely do not even realize because society and our experiences have taught us to hide it so well.

It’s getting better than it was a number of years ago, but there is still a lot of work to be done.

Be kind to someone. It takes so little. Or if that’s too challenging at this moment, try to refrain from verbalizing one negative comment at least once this week.

I tend to forget or more downplay the specifics of God’s faithfulness and that He’s always wanting to hear from me.

But even though I’m trying to keep a journal I do think that God wants to show us how He goes with us (as believers God is IN us, closer than our breath) and is faithful everyday.

As the prayer He taught asks us to ask for / “give us this day our daily bread” and Jesus is the bread of life, wouldn’t it make sense that He knew we’d struggle with this (granted some more than others)?  Perhaps more importantly that we be asking for Him to reveal Himself and His attributes again each day not only because we may tend to forget it but because Jesus knew we’d need it to get through the day?

(I think the more we ask, the more we learn new answers and the closer we become; ie it’s not transactional to ask for daily bread, but a first question in a dialogue that is the basis for a true, authentic relationship NOT religion or a transactional relationship / quid pro quo).

I know volumes could/have been written about that prayer but as my Godfather said once, we could spend a life studying it and never get out all that there is to get out of it

By going back to His faithfulness it helps me with gratitude; something I have a lot of but either don’t vocalize it well enough or focus on it enough.

It’s strange because there are so many things I am grateful for but for as many things there are, there are as many instances of my forgetfulness to keep it in the forefront of my mind.

Now this is not to say I’m negating anything, ignoring the problems and pretending everything is coming up roses. There are a majority of days where I can only list one or two things at that point in time.

And in my book that’s a win- to even think of one in the darkness; for His sacrifice which allows me to have a restored relationship with God. To have Christ’s sacrifice take on the necessary atonement in my place. He died so I could live.

There’s a reason the temple curtain separating the Holy of Holies was torn from top to bottom when He died – no man could ever restore the ability to have a relationship with God because we are not perfect or holy and so Christ’s perfect, sinless life met the demands of the sacrifice to enter into the holy of holies and speak with God. Christ’s willingness to do so is the ultimate display of love and now when God looks at me, He doesn’t see me in my mistakes and failures and inability to enter on my own merit. He sees Christ. He’s made a way for me to come to Him anytime day or night, in any way shape or form and talk to Him. And He did this because He loves me and wants a relationship with me.

For that will always be my ultimate gratitude. I’m just working on keeping my eyes on that and watching how many other examples stem from that and grow upwards and outwards in all directions.

Here are commentaries regarding the above that can explain it better than I:

1. The Veil being torn from top to bottom:

The most prominent use of the veil in the Bible is found in the context of the tabernacle and later the temple. The veil served as a physical barrier separating the Holy Place from the Most Holy Place, or the Holy of Holies, where the Ark of the Covenant was kept. This veil symbolized the separation between God and humanity due to sin. In Exodus 26:33, God instructs Moses, “Hang the veil under the clasps, and there you are to bring the ark of the Testimony, behind the veil. The veil will separate the Holy Place from the Most Holy Place.”

The veil’s significance is further highlighted in the New Testament during the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. At the moment of His death, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom, as recorded in Matthew 27:51: “At that moment the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth quaked and the rocks were split.” This event symbolizes the removal of the barrier between God and humanity, granting believers direct access to God through the atoning work of Christ.

1. God seeing Christ’s Righteousness instead of my past and my sin after believing in Christ as my (and the only) savior:

The phrase underscores the necessity of faith in the believer’s life. The Greek word for “believe” (πιστεύω, pisteuō) implies trust and reliance, not mere intellectual assent. This belief is specifically “in Him,” referring to God, who raised Jesus from the dead. The historical context of this statement is crucial, as the early Christians were defining their faith in contrast to both Jewish and pagan beliefs. This belief is not generic but is centered on the specific act of God raising Jesus, which is the cornerstone of Christian faith.

Old Testament, righteousness is often associated with adherence to the Law given to Israel. Deuteronomy 6:25 states, “And if we are careful to observe every one of these commandments before the LORD our God, as He has commanded us, then that will be our righteousness.” However, the prophets also emphasized that true righteousness involves justice, mercy, and humility before God, as seen in Micah 6:8 : “He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you but to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?”

In the New Testament, righteousness is closely linked to faith in Jesus Christ. Romans 3:22declares, “And this righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.” This righteousness is not based on human effort but is imputed to believers through faith in Christ’s redemptive work on the cross. The Apostle Paul further explains in Philippians 3:9 , “And be found in Him, not having my own righteousness from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness from God on the basis of faith.”

The relationship between faith and righteousness is integral to the doctrine of justification. Justification is the act of God declaring a sinner righteous on the basis of faith in Jesus Christ. Romans 5:1 affirms, “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” This peace with God is a result of being clothed in the righteousness of Christ, which is received by faith.

In summary, faith and righteousness are deeply interconnected in the biblical narrative. Faith is the means by which believers receive the righteousness of God, and righteousness is the evidence of a life transformed by faith. Together, they form the foundation of the believer’s relationship with God and the assurance of eternal life.

References:

Topical Resources “Faith and Righteousness”. The Bible Hub. 2024. https://biblehub.com/topical/f/faith_and_righteousness.htm

Topical Resources, “Veil”. The Bible Hub. 2024 https://biblehub.com/topical/v/veil.htm

Out of the many places to hear God, I think wastelands for me are easier (not pleasant but I’ll explain). It’s harder to remember what was said so clearly without any distractions when we’re back in society and there’s so much re-entry and noise and then getting back to life as usual which is full of noise and people- how different from just sheep a burning bush and the stars.

On my missions trips as a teen they always said these are mountaintop moments but don’t forget what you’ve learned here when you go back down into the valley.  Another thing I thought interesting reading this passage again was that God called to Moses twice. He didn’t have to, but they always say if it’s repeated (like Jesus saying truly, truly I tell you,,) pay attention.

It makes me think God called to Moses twice is already signifying who He was. His deity by calling Moses by name, and also not a generic greeting. Plus there’s the option that calling Moses twice was once for his “heart’s ears” and the second his “mind’s ears” if I could explain it in such a way.

And I wonder if Moses had changed his name there because  he fled there after murdering the other Hebrew so was this God calling him out by his true name twice?

So to recap, do we remember what’s told us in the wilderness, when God calls us twice by our names…..does this not boil down to both Emmanuel & His faithfulness? I tend to forget or just downplay both. Despite how many times He calls me, reminds me. But thankfully He understands how human I am, and He actively calls me again and again every morning, all throughout the day and night just to show me how He is working on my behalf. How He calls me because He wants to actively have a relationship with me.

How many times do I talk to my mom or friends throughout the day? Maybe it’s not everyday, other days it’s multiple times a day. But each time it’s because I want to share with them, check in on how they are or because I need to talk. God wants to do that with me all day every day. But He also needs me to stop and process and listen to Him; to give Him room to breathe and speak into me. Through my heart’s ears and my mind’s ears too.

I tend to forget or more downplay the specifics of God’s faithfulness and that He’s always with me.

But even though I’m trying to keep a journal I do think that God wants to show us how He goes with us and is faithful everyday….just as much as it says “give us this day our daily bread” and Jesus is the bread of life. So wouldn’t we be asking for Him to reveal himself and his attributes again each day not only because we may tend to forget it but because Jesus knew we’d need it to get through the day?

And on that it seems like that’s to be said in the morning but it says forgive us our debts as we forgive…but it says not to go to bed angry or still holding a grudge. So maybe that’s there if we weren’t able to, if that internal strife and anger is still there despite, maybe we need to keep chipping away at it again in the morning and/or say it in advance? I know volumes could/have been written about that prayer but as my Godfather said once, we could spend a life studying that one prayer and never get out all that there is to get out of it

Maybe that’s why sometimes I need the wilderness of least distractions or it takes having moments that draw me away from the crowds to rise early in the morning and go up to the mountain and speak with my Father as Jesus did.

Hagar, a non-Israelite, a woman with no power or status, is the first person in Scripture to be visited by an angel and the only person in Scripture to give God a name—El Roi, “the God who sees me.” In the midst of her pain and struggle, Hagar receives God’s blessing and promises. Think about how powerful is it to be really, truly seen.

“He didn’t criticize or lecture her. Rather, our all-knowing God honored her by seeking to understand.”  He asked her questions and didn’t make assumptions prior to even asking them or hearing the answer. Even after hearing her answer He didn’t say anything about her emotions or tough it out, toughen up or that’s just how life is. Yes He said go back, but He talked to her about her son first, He started it all asking about what she was doing – not accusing but seeking to understand and actually waiting and listening for the response.

God actively was listening (without a response already formed halfway through her talking) hearing the pain and hopelessness. He comforts her by addressing all the factors, her pregnancy and her treatment by Sari. So many people act like the former that it’s no wonder it’s so powerful when you feel seen not just visually / emotionally/ mentally assessed. When you’re then talked to in a way that suits the viewer and their perspectives on your situation, how you’re dealing with it and the fact that they at best only know 10-20% just adds insult to injury.

It’s no wonder we have walls.

One of the definitions of breach is to make a gap, to break through a wall (of) defense. I think we all have walls still that although might be different we could still all relate to being hesitant to lowering our defenses.

But we can’t bring them down in our strength. That’s only done in conjunction with Him.

Beneath is a link that will go more into depth about the verses that rhis is all based on.

For further consideration see:

Hagar: The Woman Who Named God

Genesis 16:1-13 ESV

“Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. She had a female Egyptian servant whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said to Abram, “Behold now, the Lord has prevented me from bearing children. Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children by her.” And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai. So, after Abram had lived ten years in the land of Canaan, Sarai, Abram’s wife, took Hagar the Egyptian, her servant, and gave her to Abram her husband as a wife. And he went in to Hagar, and she conceived. And when she saw that she had conceived, she looked with contempt on her mistress. And Sarai said to Abram, “May the wrong done to me be on you! I gave my servant to your embrace, and when she saw that she had conceived, she looked on me with contempt. May the Lord judge between you and me!” But Abram said to Sarai, “Behold, your servant is in your power; do to her as you please.” Then Sarai dealt harshly with her, and she fled from her. The angel of the Lord found her by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?” She said, “I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai.” The angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress and submit to her.” The angel of the Lord also said to her, “I will surely multiply your offspring so that they cannot be numbered for multitude.” And the angel of the Lord said to her, “Behold, you are pregnant and shall bear a son. You shall call his name Ishmael, because the Lord has listened to your affliction. He shall be a wild donkey of a man, his hand against everyone and everyone’s hand against him, and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen.” So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing,” for she said, “Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.””

These were the roses that so fearlessly climbed the ancient walls of cathedrals and universities who have been around for longer than our nation has been in existence let alone “discovered”.

These were the roses that Shakespeare looked upon and used their beauty to show how families, status, traditions and long held hatreds could not stop love.  “A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet” (Romeo and Juliet Act II, Scene II).

These were the roses that also held thorns that became woven into a crown for One whose sacrifice was more painful than imaginable but more beautiful, glorious and precious than the roses.

These were the roses that I in part laid on your casket and still have one bud dried and next to your picture.

These were the roses that carry so much history, so much grief, so much love.

These are the roses I’ve held in reserve for my own hopes and dreams and lay them at Your feet saying as best I can “not my will but Yours be done”.

I know You see me, You are with me, You care and You have a plan.

May we learn from those who came before us both the most recent generations all the way back (and even before Moses) to number our days.

I don’t know how else to come up with a better number than to say my days are 1.

I may live till I’m 80-90 or may only have today left. Not being morbid, just honest that no one knows what exactly will happen except God who knows every single moment of our lives (and did before before we were even born) and so who else to look to for wisdom but Him?

Let us always remember how faithful He has been, the joys we’ve experienced, lessons learned and love shown by Him and through those He’s put in our lives for how long or short a time period.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭90‬:‭12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Planning, goal setting and schedules are certainly not bad in themselves but it can become overwhelming (especially as we begin to approach the holidays). Take it one day at a ; that’s all we’re given truth be told.

**The most important thing is to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, not the clock.**
And He promises to guide our steps if we do.

See link for a number of verses to back this up (https://biblestudyforyou.com/bible-verses-about-god-leading-your-path/)

He is a sanctuary in every way possible. Including mental and emotional in addition to the spiritual and physical as well. Think of basic necessities like food, shelter, safety or look up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs for a full listing and see that if we allow Him to, God will provide for all we need. with use people, radio stations, chance encounters, to back up His Words in scripture that “He will never leave us or forsake us” Deuteronomy 31:6

Finally had a prayer answered that’s circumstances has had me in knots for literally months. But I had to leave it in His hands and His time. But He DOES answer prayer and He IS a strong tower and refuge to those who turn to Him. I made not have been able to run to Him; it felt like crawling at points or just putting one foot in front of the other. But what matters is what direction we’re pointed towards, where and with who we want to finish and keeping our eyes and lives focused there throughout the journey.

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭46‬:‭1‬, ‭5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭32‬:‭7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬:‭6‬-‭7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“6 This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. 7 The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.”

From Matthew Henry’s commentary on

Matthew 6:25-34:

Note, The heirs of heaven are much better than the fowls of heaven; nobler and more excellent beings, and, by faith, they soar higher; they are of a better nature and nurture, wiser than the fowls of heaven (Job 35:11): though the children of this world, that know not the judgment of the Lord, are not so wise as the stork, and the crane, and the swallow (Jer 8:7), you are dearer to God, and nearer, though they fly in the open firmament of heaven. He is their Master and Lord, their Owner and Master; but besides all this, he is your Father, and in his account ye are of more value than many sparrows; you are his children, his first-born; now he that feeds his birds surely will not starve his babes. They trust your Father’s providence, and will not you trust it? In dependence upon that, they are careless for the morrow; and being so, they live the merriest lives of all creatures; they sing among the branches (Psa 104:12), and, to the best of their power, they praise their Creator. If we were, by faith, as unconcerned about the morrow as they are, we should sing as cheerfully as they do; for it is worldly care that mars our mirth and damps our joy, and silences our praise, as much as any thing.

(2.) Look upon the lilies, and learn to trust God for raiment. That is another part of our care, what we shall put on; for decency, to cover us; for defence, to keep us warm; yea, and, with many, for dignity and ornament, to make them look great and fine; and so much concerned are they for gaiety and variety in their clothing, that this care returns almost as often as that for their daily bread. Now to ease us of this care, let us consider the lilies of the field; not only look upon them (every eyes does that with pleasure), but consider them. Note, There is a great deal of good to be learned from what we see every day, if we would but consider it, Pro 6:6; Pro 24:32.

[1.] Consider how frail the lilies are; they are the grass of the field. Lilies, though distinguished by their colours, are still but grass. Thus all flesh is grass: though some in the endowments of body and mind are as lilies, much admired, still they are grass; the grass of the field in nature and constitution; they stand upon the same level with others. Man’s days, at best, are as grass, as the flower of the grass 1Pe 1:24. This grass today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven; in a little while the place that knows us will know us no more. The grave is the oven into which we shall be cast, and in which we shall be consumed as grass in the fire, Psa 49:14. This intimates a reason why we should not take thought for the morrow, what we shall put on, because perhaps, by tomorrow, we may have occasion for our grave-clothes.

[2.] Consider how free from care the lilies are: they toil not as men do, to earn clothing; as servants, to earn their liveries; neither do they spin, as women do, to make clothing. It does not follow that we must therefore neglect, or do carelessly, the proper business of this life; it is the praise of the virtuous woman, that she lays her hand to the spindle, makes fine linen and sells it, Pro 31:19, Pro 31:24. Idleness tempts God, instead of trusting him; but he that provides for inferior creatures, without their labour, will much more provide for us, by blessing our labour, which he has made our duty. And if we should, through sickness, be unable to toil and spin, God can furnish us with what is necessary for us.

 

 

A link to Matthew Henry’s full commentary can be found here: https://www.biblegateway.com/resources/matthew-henry/Matt.6.25-Matt.6.34

I recently asked a friend what the difference between belief and trust is, and it was interesting how they can be used interchangeably, but have subtle differences, depending on the context.

Scars and grief are like that as well. Both scars and grief find their origins in a traumatic event. Both have their own need to be addressed and worked through. Both leave lasting effects.

Grief leaves scars on the heart that can be clearly seen in the eyes at certain times. Physical scars are not always visible as well, but can be seen when one decides to reveal its presence to another.

How does all of this relate? Right now, in my journey, I’ve both believed that the grief and scars will heal as much as possible, but what I’ve discovered is not that I do not trust that this will happen or have not trust that it will happen, but rather learn to trust the process of dealing with the reality of the grief and scars existence is an ongoing process. It is worth noting that personally it is an evolutionary process where things do not feel now like they did when I experienced the events that led to both.

For example, there is the grief of losing my grandmother or recalling former mistakes and the scars left from multiple surgeries I’ve had.

One final piece of this that has yet to be addressed is the word faith, which is also commonly found when using the words belief and trust. In the first 24 to 48 hours I had to take it on other peoples’ words that things would get better and have faith that what they said was true. They were right and it did get better. But now I found that even after a decent passage of time, I have had to come to terms with relying on that faith that it has in the most superficial sense gotten better but in reality, I need to remind myself of a faith that got me through in a deeper sense.

Perhaps this would best be explained through the following illustration:

When it summertime and I go down the shore in a bathing suit, some of my scars are visible, and I have to relinquish the conviction that that is all people will see.

Alternatively, when sharing with others, the grief resurfaces, but not to the same ferocity it had in the beginning. However, it did take a few hours for the throbbing of the scars on my heart from said grief to stop throbbing so painfully.

Yet I would not trade either the scars or the grief because they create not only a point in which another individual and I can relate, but also compose parts of my testimony, which in the long run is the most important.

There was a time in my life as a junior in high school where I had loved someone so deeply but never said anything and they didn’t either. The bond remained the closest friendship I’ve had to date. It’s not that I don’t have friends now who I love, but they have yet to reach that depth and I frankly don’t know if they have the capacity to.

It’s been more than 20 years and in this last few days I’ve deeply struggled as much as I deeply loved and I’ve realized I still miss that person, that love that I had never felt before or since.

I see others so happy with their spouses and although I know they don’t face their own relational problems, it’s heartbreaking and yet bittersweet at the same time because I am genuinely happy for them.

 

You see love is impossible to describe. Thousands upon thousands of poems, books, storie, songs and films have tried to covey it but in the end they all fall short. Love cannot be described, only felt. Yes there are attributes such as wanting to always be around them, go places, see and experience things together, laugh and cry together and yes, even be willing to admit and forgive and wrongdoings but these all are actions and aspects of a relationship; they are not the feelings themselves. There simply are not enough adjectives or even the proper words to describe it.

 

The love that never was haunts me more than any shadow of that love I felt in the following years with one individual in college. Then I fell into the trappings of what I thought was finally a love that rivaled that first only to be trapped, gaslighted, mentally and emotionally damaged in every single way possible for a decade. It left me so terribly broken and completely devoid of any sense of self, purpose or identity but in retrospect it did save me from a path that would’ve ended as they say “either dead or in jail”.

 

What is there to tell of earthly love? Nothing except it is as fleeting as a vapor, promises and temperamental enchantments both of which shatter as quickly as a priceless vase falls to the kitchen floor.

Many experience it differently but in the end it’s sliding down a grass hill in summer. Sweet smelling but downwards and short nonetheless.

I’ve more scars from love than violence and more often than not they were one and the same. Shall I tell you of these horror stories? No. It’s not worth the time or energy.  It’s already down in paper anyways and my vocal cords are too raw to speak of it again.

So I’ll borrow from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet in describing it:

  MERCUTIO

True, I talk of dreams,

Which are the children of an idle brain, Begot of nothing but vain fantasy,

Which is as thin of substance as the air And more inconstant than the wind, who wooes Even now the frozen bosom of the north, And, being anger’d, puffs away from thence, Turning his face to the dew-dropping south.

There’s little to add except that love is a folly’s pleasure, a game of dice, a toss of the coin. What’s more is that tempus fugit, and the only true love and hope is in the Eternal. The rest is a slow, all too aware of being buried alive a little more each day.

The best we can do is love those we can and point them to the One who is the only one able to show real agape love in the first place.

 

Its been 10 years since that relationship ended and 6 years since I’ve come back to Christ. But even His love is impossible to describe without pointing to His actions on Calvary. His records of being moved with great compassion such as when Lazarus died and as it says, “Jesus wept”.

 

The problem with love here on earth is that it can only be understood through our interactions with others. Be they family, friends, communities and even spouses.

 

We know God loves us, even when we can’t feel it but feeling His love is different for each person as much as is each of our own journeys in this life.

 

What then are we to do when told He loves us? When we are told to return to our first love? But it’s not the first person we were in love with but God who loved us before we were even born, who loved us before we even acknowledged His existence, or decided to accept this love in and of itself.

 

Yes, we can refer to “The Four Loves” by C. S. Lewis as our closet description of love, but to experience it is an entirely different matter.

 

To understand love here on earth we must first understand pain. Our pain, His pain and the promise of one day, if we have accepted Christ, spending eternity in His love where there are no more tears, no more sorrow, only the fulfillment of ultimate love for which we lack the ability to fully comprehend this side of eternity.