Category: 2024

So this is a tool called “Verse Map” by the James method that my mom had given me a while ago that after using had some surprises in store. I call her mom but that’s not her given her name. I called my grandmother Gooma. Yet again, that wasn’t the name everyone knew her as or the name her parents gave her,  but these are both “my names” for them.

That I found out last night was super helpful in calming me down, forcing myself to slow down mentally and actually give the Word the space to speak. (All posted at the bottom)

I found it interesting that Isaiah 40:27-29 and Isaiah 43:1-4 use the exact same terms, “Oh Jacob how can you say the Lord does not see your trouble? O Israel how can you say God ignores what is right”, then “But thus says the Lord, He who created you O Jacob, He who formed you O Israel”. Now yes I know the following is Exegesis but just give it a shot.

What if all our interactions from standing in front of the mirror, to the people we interact with and the world on the who is based when our eyes are open and we answer to “Jacob”.
What if when we’re talking to God, doing our best to keep our hearts, minds and eyes on Him (and even when we can’t) He calls us by the name “Israel”? What if there’s a name only He calls us that belongs only to us and we know is 💯 from Him because He’s the only one who knows that name? (John 10:3)

He promises that He WILL sustain and uphold us; He will NOT let the righteous be shaken.

I’ve still got some more work to do on this but I just wanted to share and see if anyone else wanted to join in.

Sometimes names and promises get lost when read too fast- at least in my own experience.

It looks very complicated and overwhelming but that’s just the instructions page because there’s a lot on it.

1.) Psalms‬ ‭55‬:‭22‬ ‭AMP

“¶Cast your burden on the Lord [release it] and He will sustain and uphold you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken (slip, fall, fail). [1 Pet 5:7]”
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https://bible.com/bible/1588/psa.55.22.AMP

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2.) Isaiah‬ ‭40‬:‭27‬-‭29‬ ‭AMP‬‬

“¶Why, O Jacob, do you say, and declare, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord, And the justice due me escapes the notice of my God”? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth Does not become tired or grow weary; There is no searching of His understanding. He gives strength to the weary, And to him who has no might He increases power. [2 Cor 12:9]”
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https://bible.com/bible/1588/isa.40.27-29.AMP

‭‭3.) Isaiah‬ ‭43‬:‭1‬-‭4‬ ‭AMP‬‬

“But now, this is what the Lord, your Creator says, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you [from captivity]; I have called you by name; you are Mine! “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. “For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I have given Egypt [to the Babylonians] as your ransom, Cush (ancient Ethiopia) and Seba [its province] in exchange for you. “Because you are precious in My sight, You are honored and I love you, I will give other men in return for you and other peoples in exchange for your life.”

https://bible.com/bible/1588/isa.43.1-4.AMP

4.) John‬ ‭10‬:‭2‬-‭3‬ ‭AMP‬‬

“But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep [the protector and provider]. The doorkeeper opens [the gate] for this man, and the sheep hear his voice and pay attention to it. And [knowing that they listen] he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out [to pasture].”
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https://bible.com/bible/1588/jhn.10.3.AMP

Where I grew up -no matter which town, there were always plenty of trees all around. Behind the middle school there was a giant hill with a forrest behind it at the top. Within a stone’s throw of entering, my best friends and I or even if I went by myself wouldn’t be able to even see the clearing the trees were that dense. We spent countless hours there talking, walking, hiking, climbing over and around rocks and it just kept going.

There were areas and times I’d just be walking in the woods and find one of the largest local rivers calmly meandering, or when I did the same but on the other side of the main drag, I discovered I had inadvertently walked so far that I ended up three towns away (but to be fair the towns were small).

Then as you followed the road past the middle school and especially behind the high school there were the mountains full of winding roads, scenic overlooks and hidden monasteries. Down the other way was a massive swamp which is actually acres upon acres of a natural preserve which had miles of wooden plank walkways lined on either side with beautiful trees and other foliage of so many different varieties.

But throughout any of these areas you could be back on a major highway within at the very most twenty minutes and the same for a train station that could get you into the city in under forty five minutes, less depending on where you started from.

Now I live in an area so polar opposite, the plethora of open farmland (however beautiful during sunsets) terrified me when I first moved down here. Everything from homes to businesses are such loosely populated areas that everyone answers what township they are from as opposed to giving the name of a town.

If you were to break down in certain areas there’s no cell service and no house within sight that you’d have to walk a good while before being able to get help. That’s not the general rule, but it is still applicable. The cornfields and other type of fields do eventually have some trees around and there are areas where there are more trees, but they’re all people’s personal property.

I decided to change my routine and go to a park nearby (thankfully I’m lucky enough to live in one of the more populated areas and it’s not as isolated as twenty minutes in a certain direction will take you).

All I wanted was dense trees and elevation. So despite the lack of quality in the path’s upkeep, I did find myself much closer to the type of woods I so miss.

Trees act as a type of emotional, physical and mental grouping of sentinels when in the thick of them. Their height alone calls one’s spirit upwards as different vines may wrap around the trunks or squirrels or birds racing vertically unequivocally lengthens one’s sight and thoughts.

However the path I took was very poorly kept; there were easily two to three foot deep crevasses along that sandy path so it was strikingly apparent in an entirely new manifestation for me of how different things are and that only the paved main paths are…I don’t know, considered used enough to warrant their upkeep. Which on one hand I can marginally understand but on the other, this was the 9/11 memorial path and it was only until you returned to the beginning that any proper maintenance was apparent. They had a piece of twisted I beam with a gash down the center from one of the towers and soil in a container within a glass container from the Pennsylvania crash site.  It hurt to see how hidden away these were, how in disrepair the trail is and it even reminded me of how little it’s ever been referenced here in my conversations with others. What’s worse is that people less than ten years younger than I am admittedly feel like that’s ancient history or happened in another part of the country so it doesn’t carry the same weight. And to be honest, it is a different country here.

As I walked back to my car, I had a father and daughter cross my path, her with bright hot pink soccer socks and shin guards and him with about ten or so soccer balls in a net and a folding field diagram under one arm. I smiled, asked “soccer?” And said “yes, I just hope the rain holds out”. I passed the playground as an older maybe early teenage girl swung, a very young girl in the structured, protective swing and a mother all were talking, but they were too far away to interact with. I watched briefly then looked away but then forced myself to look again and just be in the present moment knowing I’d more than likely never see them again, and tried to feel happy for them, and the father and daughter about to play soccer.

I’m keenly aware of trying to balance finding and making meaningful connections but not overtax or wear out those relationships already in place. So I as I drove home I remembered a number of people I grew up with who now have families, those I’ve met down here who have their own spouses, children, grandchildren or the like and I wish them the best, but hope they know and cherish what they have. Obviously none of them are perfect, and it’s all only a snapshot of what I see on social media.

As for me, I came home to my cat, spoke with my mom and realized there’s no one else here. But there hasn’t been since moving down here and having my own apartment for three years, so I shouldn’t be surprised. Instead the word is resigned.

This morning I woke up at 4:30am remembering and singing every line to Oasis’s “Don’t Look Back In Anger” from 1996 and there was such a deep sadness and depressive nostalgia that I was nearly in tears. As I am well known to do as a coping mechanism, is to create a playlist entitled “90’s English Invasion” and I realized how terribly I missed the person who was associated with that song, and then the following people and places associated with each additional song – even if it was just memories of me listening to an album on repeat by myself during my commute or even alone while on break at work. 

 

It was advised that I leave that in the past and move on. Yes, I agree with this but I do think there is a time to sit with, process and honor all the emotions brought up with each chorus, verse, crescendo, guitar riff and fade out. Today was a good day but now I’m finally done with work, writing the first draft of my paper for a class I’m taking and am curled up on my big green lounge chair with my cat Goldie curled up on me. This is part of compartmentalization; putting emotions to the side while you do what you need to do then revisiting what was tucked away momentarily to fully feel things out. 

 

Even in the song “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve goes:

 

 “Well, I’ve never prayed, but tonight I’m on my knees, yeah 

I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah

 

I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now”

 

I think this is interesting on a number of points. First, that music has always been a go to form of finding emotional, mental and spiritual healing. I think it’s important to recognize that secular music to some is an act of a type of worship if were to define that as a way of reaching up to something greater than yourself, asking for help, saying thank you, or just having an emotional discussion. 

 

This sense of emotional discussion is not an adjective relating to a dialogue, but rather a heart’s speech. For me, my heart speaks to me first either in song or verse and then I have to try and unearth the thoughts lying beneath- contrary to the “a thought creates a feeling which creates an action” cognitive triangle process theory. 

 

Secondly, this reminds me of a time when I loved parts of my life. It’s not that I’m in crisis now, but the love I felt then has 20/20 hindsight. Even back then as now, there are many things wrong, but many things right. Nothing is ever going to be just one or the other- at least not for a full 24 hours (much more likely less). 

 

Thirdly, it reminds me of those who I once knew and are no longer are in my life, and there are many I loved in various ways for various reasons such as how one person would tilt their head and just smirk, how another would get so animated and stars would dance in their eyes as they related what another would consider a conventional, routine rollerblading outing. Another would relate the ways he learned to fish and where the best places where to go locally. Others would speak of a place called “The Great Swamp” full of nature trails and be in hysterics after the rains brought out so many bullfrogs along the road there. 

 

Yes, this all pains me to remember because it reminds of loves found and lost. But if I try and not revisit it and sit with it, how am I to expect myself to heal this new, previously unknown layer? If I do not honor the broken pieces, how am I supposed to surrender them to the only One who can make a stained glass window of them at the end? 

 

“The Scientist” by Coldplay has the following lyrics:

 

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions 

Oh, let’s go back to the start 

Running in circles, coming up tails 

Heads on a science apart

 

Nobody said it was easy 

It’s such a shame for us to part 

Nobody said it was easy 

No one ever said it would be this hard 

Oh, take me back to the start

 

I was just guessing at numbers and figures 

Pulling the puzzles apart 

Questions of science, science and progress 

Do not speak as loud as my heart

 

“Side” by Travis says:

Oh, I believe there’s someone watching over you 

They’re watching every single thing you say 

And when you die they’ll set you down and take you through 

You’ll realise one day 

Ahhh

But life is both a major and a minor key 

Just open up the chord 

Ahhh

 

Radiohead’s “Karma Police” says:

 

For a minute there 

I lost myself, I lost myself 

Phew, for a minute there 

I lost myself, I lost myself

 

And finally Oasis’s “Stop Crying Your Heart Out” says:

Hold up 

Hold on 

Don’t be scared 

You’ll never change what’s been and gone

 

May your smile (may your smile) 

Shine on (shine on) 

Don’t be scared (don’t be scared) 

Your destiny may keep you warm

 

‘Cause all of the stars are fading away 

Just try not to worry, you’ll see them someday 

Take what you need, and be on your way 

And stop crying your heart out

For what it’s worth I hope you can see or at least emotionally connect the dots here and comprehend what I’m making a poor attempt to verbalize. Laying our pasts on the alter to be used as He will is the only way to be fashioned into what He will make us in to. It’s called a testimonial.