A Christmas Eve Lucid Dream

I just woke up from the powerful dream I’ve ever had. I was still living with mom but had gotten up while she was still asleep and drove down the shore with a grey beach chair and a grey folding chair to take pictures. I drove up to a wooden tower and had to climb to the very top carrying all my stuff but I didn’t mind because it had a beautiful view and there was this older couple singing hymns, so I started singing along with them. I fixed the aperture of my camera and adjusted the f-stop so I could capture the moon  in the twilight as it rose framed by the tower’s pinnacle. I left my all my stuff there and began the decent only to realize I had left my bag, camera and chair behind.

I went back after reaching the first landing, and was greatly surprised that no one had touched it because this elderly couple who I’ve been singing with, had been watching over it for me. I left the gray folding chair there for someone else who may need it.

As I reached the bottom floor, I walked through and saw faces of people, but there were more than the amount I thought might be in a beach setting 12 step meeting, which is absolutely fine and I assumed might be larger given the lifestyle down the beach. Everyone was very hopeless in their eyes. As I made my way to the door I saw that there were all these vendors congregated, handing out some sort of satanic club stickers and rather than feel afraid I just felt sorry for them. They weren’t mean, just there.

I walked into green, specifically, looking for an ice cream shop that I had gone down for as well. A gentleman named Thomas introduced himself and held my bag for me. I walked up to the ice cream counter and realized it wasn’t like it used to be, but that you ordered scoop of ice cream and then they had bins of all of these different toppings you would choose to add yourself. The woman behind me asked if there was anything gluten-free and I was glad she did because I hadn’t thought to ask. Again, I had left my bag off to the side and I went back startled thinking I had left it with a complete stranger, and Thomas just smiled and came up, handed me my bag and paid for my ice cream.

As we were standing there, a group of young teenagers were singing a hymn, and I started singing along, and then this loving Hispanic woman stood next to me with her left hand held right above my heart. I could tell she was praying into me. Nothing else mattered at that point except as we reached the end of the I exhaled, truly feeling like something had clicked with inside me. I let out sigh, and as I did, I woke up, not gasping, but just taking in huge deep breaths, as the end of my playlist was playing him “All to Jesus I Surrender”.

I told Siri to play the last song that was playing because I wasn’t sure what it was, and just laid here with my right hand above my heart in the dark thinking this is what I should surrender to is not to a flag, not any symbol, but Christ alone.

I had woken up a few times previously tonight and right before I went to sleep this time I was thinking about all the expectations I had for the church service that will begin in about four hours. They were all these thoughts about people I would like to see but also potential confrontations, and a particular situation to consider. This one again involved to gentlemen and his daughter in the potential of the daughter’s mother being there.

Before falling asleep, I had been thinking, specifically of telling her what a blessing it was to have the matriarch of her family still living and caring for their family. Additionally, that she was lucky enough to have a daughter when I couldn’t and one who is specifically so loving and kind and openhearted  and I  told her that I had no intentions of replacing her- that is and never will be my place.

Also that not everyone still has the blessing of the matriarch of the family living an active in that family life and I hope she realized what a blessing that was, and how important it was to show her the honor and respect not only to that individual because of who she is, but because of the title she holds.

I went to say that I hope she realizes how lucky she is to have a daughter, who not only has a father in her life, but one who obviously unconditionally loves their daughter. I specifically went over the dialogue, a number of times, and the idea of getting called a number of names and being slapped across the face. I thought to myself, if that does happen, that I would tell her, I no longer answer to those names, but to simply wish her a Merry Christmas and walk away. And to tell her that I do love her daughter, simply for who she is. That I don’t have any intentions of replacing her as a mother, but just want to convey how lucky I think she is to have her.

I don’t know what today will bring, nor what the future will bring in any capacity for that matter, but it’s not for me to know. As I write this, “Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel” is playing (which is unusual, because it’s only one of the two, maybe three Christmas songs I have on this playlist) and is now being followed with “Nothing but the Blood of Jesus”.

As I laid here, listening to “All to Jesus I Surrender”once more, I realized I always used to say trust “the process”. But the difference in my life now is that “the process” is in fact God‘s plan for my life. I am at complete peace with whatever this Christmas Eve service holds and the people I will interact with. What’s more important is that I feel peace with whatever the future holds. Both good or bad.

I wish you all a very merry Christmas and the peace I feel right now.