Posts

Posted on

A Brief Look Into A Powerful Action

It may have taken place long ago, or more recently. Perhaps only last night triggered memories of what now has you in the fetal position lying in bed, trying every distraction and coping skill learned in lieu of whatever was your favorite poison to numb the pain. Even now, in a dry house you feel just as sick physically and in mentally anguish as then back then.

Even when you’ve given up and turned  everything off, the silence even yet still screams at and within you. No two people experience flashbacks the same way, and the same person may experience the flashbacks in a different way as time evolves.

What encouragement you do remember are phrases like “just keep fighting. Take it one day at a time. This is only temporary. This is not happening in the present moment, you survived.Reach out and talk to someone”. But there are many times when there are no words, images and words too intrusive to get a thought or word in edgewise even in your own mind.

It’s 3 am power outage in the middle of a sunny summer Sunday afternoon.

Then the one thing that connects you to reality, the one thing you don’t need to speak a word to crawls up next to you and slowly the mental hurricane of shrapnel begins to abate. The storm begins to subside and perhaps tears of relief and gratitude fall onto the paws and fur of the one who loves you unconditionally, without any judgment, and simply reminds you of life here in this present moment in time. This companion may very well even be the best example of love, God, gentleness or forgiveness you’ve come across in years – or perhaps ever. Whatever the case may be, their relationship and the undeniable truth of the power of their companionship, and the testament of how many times they’ve pulled you out of the brink, off the mental, emotional or physical cliff is priceless.

Posted on

Names and Promises

So this is a tool called “Verse Map” by the James method that my mom had given me a while ago that after using had some surprises in store. I call her mom but that’s not her given her name. I called my grandmother Gooma. Yet again, that wasn’t the name everyone knew her as or the name her parents gave her,  but these are both “my names” for them.

That I found out last night was super helpful in calming me down, forcing myself to slow down mentally and actually give the Word the space to speak. (All posted at the bottom)

I found it interesting that Isaiah 40:27-29 and Isaiah 43:1-4 use the exact same terms, “Oh Jacob how can you say the Lord does not see your trouble? O Israel how can you say God ignores what is right”, then “But thus says the Lord, He who created you O Jacob, He who formed you O Israel”. Now yes I know the following is Exegesis but just give it a shot.

What if all our interactions from standing in front of the mirror, to the people we interact with and the world on the who is based when our eyes are open and we answer to “Jacob”.
What if when we’re talking to God, doing our best to keep our hearts, minds and eyes on Him (and even when we can’t) He calls us by the name “Israel”? What if there’s a name only He calls us that belongs only to us and we know is 💯 from Him because He’s the only one who knows that name? (John 10:3)

He promises that He WILL sustain and uphold us; He will NOT let the righteous be shaken.

I’ve still got some more work to do on this but I just wanted to share and see if anyone else wanted to join in.

Sometimes names and promises get lost when read too fast- at least in my own experience.

It looks very complicated and overwhelming but that’s just the instructions page because there’s a lot on it.

1.) Psalms‬ ‭55‬:‭22‬ ‭AMP

“¶Cast your burden on the Lord [release it] and He will sustain and uphold you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken (slip, fall, fail). [1 Pet 5:7]”
‭‭
https://bible.com/bible/1588/psa.55.22.AMP

‭‭

2.) Isaiah‬ ‭40‬:‭27‬-‭29‬ ‭AMP‬‬

“¶Why, O Jacob, do you say, and declare, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord, And the justice due me escapes the notice of my God”? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth Does not become tired or grow weary; There is no searching of His understanding. He gives strength to the weary, And to him who has no might He increases power. [2 Cor 12:9]”
‭‭
https://bible.com/bible/1588/isa.40.27-29.AMP

‭‭3.) Isaiah‬ ‭43‬:‭1‬-‭4‬ ‭AMP‬‬

“But now, this is what the Lord, your Creator says, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you [from captivity]; I have called you by name; you are Mine! “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. “For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I have given Egypt [to the Babylonians] as your ransom, Cush (ancient Ethiopia) and Seba [its province] in exchange for you. “Because you are precious in My sight, You are honored and I love you, I will give other men in return for you and other peoples in exchange for your life.”

https://bible.com/bible/1588/isa.43.1-4.AMP

4.) John‬ ‭10‬:‭2‬-‭3‬ ‭AMP‬‬

“But he who enters by the door is the shepherd of the sheep [the protector and provider]. The doorkeeper opens [the gate] for this man, and the sheep hear his voice and pay attention to it. And [knowing that they listen] he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out [to pasture].”
‭‭
https://bible.com/bible/1588/jhn.10.3.AMP

Posted on

Missing Trees

Where I grew up -no matter which town, there were always plenty of trees all around. Behind the middle school there was a giant hill with a forrest behind it at the top. Within a stone’s throw of entering, my best friends and I or even if I went by myself wouldn’t be able to even see the clearing the trees were that dense. We spent countless hours there talking, walking, hiking, climbing over and around rocks and it just kept going.

There were areas and times I’d just be walking in the woods and find one of the largest local rivers calmly meandering, or when I did the same but on the other side of the main drag, I discovered I had inadvertently walked so far that I ended up three towns away (but to be fair the towns were small).

Then as you followed the road past the middle school and especially behind the high school there were the mountains full of winding roads, scenic overlooks and hidden monasteries. Down the other way was a massive swamp which is actually acres upon acres of a natural preserve which had miles of wooden plank walkways lined on either side with beautiful trees and other foliage of so many different varieties.

But throughout any of these areas you could be back on a major highway within at the very most twenty minutes and the same for a train station that could get you into the city in under forty five minutes, less depending on where you started from.

Now I live in an area so polar opposite, the plethora of open farmland (however beautiful during sunsets) terrified me when I first moved down here. Everything from homes to businesses are such loosely populated areas that everyone answers what township they are from as opposed to giving the name of a town.

If you were to break down in certain areas there’s no cell service and no house within sight that you’d have to walk a good while before being able to get help. That’s not the general rule, but it is still applicable. The cornfields and other type of fields do eventually have some trees around and there are areas where there are more trees, but they’re all people’s personal property.

I decided to change my routine and go to a park nearby (thankfully I’m lucky enough to live in one of the more populated areas and it’s not as isolated as twenty minutes in a certain direction will take you).

All I wanted was dense trees and elevation. So despite the lack of quality in the path’s upkeep, I did find myself much closer to the type of woods I so miss.

Trees act as a type of emotional, physical and mental grouping of sentinels when in the thick of them. Their height alone calls one’s spirit upwards as different vines may wrap around the trunks or squirrels or birds racing vertically unequivocally lengthens one’s sight and thoughts.

However the path I took was very poorly kept; there were easily two to three foot deep crevasses along that sandy path so it was strikingly apparent in an entirely new manifestation for me of how different things are and that only the paved main paths are…I don’t know, considered used enough to warrant their upkeep. Which on one hand I can marginally understand but on the other, this was the 9/11 memorial path and it was only until you returned to the beginning that any proper maintenance was apparent. They had a piece of twisted I beam with a gash down the center from one of the towers and soil in a container within a glass container from the Pennsylvania crash site.  It hurt to see how hidden away these were, how in disrepair the trail is and it even reminded me of how little it’s ever been referenced here in my conversations with others. What’s worse is that people less than ten years younger than I am admittedly feel like that’s ancient history or happened in another part of the country so it doesn’t carry the same weight. And to be honest, it is a different country here.

As I walked back to my car, I had a father and daughter cross my path, her with bright hot pink soccer socks and shin guards and him with about ten or so soccer balls in a net and a folding field diagram under one arm. I smiled, asked “soccer?” And said “yes, I just hope the rain holds out”. I passed the playground as an older maybe early teenage girl swung, a very young girl in the structured, protective swing and a mother all were talking, but they were too far away to interact with. I watched briefly then looked away but then forced myself to look again and just be in the present moment knowing I’d more than likely never see them again, and tried to feel happy for them, and the father and daughter about to play soccer.

I’m keenly aware of trying to balance finding and making meaningful connections but not overtax or wear out those relationships already in place. So I as I drove home I remembered a number of people I grew up with who now have families, those I’ve met down here who have their own spouses, children, grandchildren or the like and I wish them the best, but hope they know and cherish what they have. Obviously none of them are perfect, and it’s all only a snapshot of what I see on social media.

As for me, I came home to my cat, spoke with my mom and realized there’s no one else here. But there hasn’t been since moving down here and having my own apartment for three years, so I shouldn’t be surprised. Instead the word is resigned.

Posted on

Grief and Scars

I recently asked a friend what the difference between belief and trust is, and it was interesting how they can be used interchangeably, but have subtle differences, depending on the context.

Scars and grief are like that as well. Both scars and grief find their origins in a traumatic event. Both have their own need to be addressed and worked through. Both leave lasting effects.

Grief leaves scars on the heart that can be clearly seen in the eyes at certain times. Physical scars are not always visible as well, but can be seen when one decides to reveal its presence to another.

How does all of this relate? Right now, in my journey, I’ve both believed that the grief and scars will heal as much as possible, but what I’ve discovered is not that I do not trust that this will happen or have not trust that it will happen, but rather learn to trust the process of dealing with the reality of the grief and scars existence is an ongoing process. It is worth noting that personally it is an evolutionary process where things do not feel now like they did when I experienced the events that led to both.

For example, there is the grief of losing my grandmother or recalling former mistakes and the scars left from multiple surgeries I’ve had.

One final piece of this that has yet to be addressed is the word faith, which is also commonly found when using the words belief and trust. In the first 24 to 48 hours I had to take it on other peoples’ words that things would get better and have faith that what they said was true. They were right and it did get better. But now I found that even after a decent passage of time, I have had to come to terms with relying on that faith that it has in the most superficial sense gotten better but in reality, I need to remind myself of a faith that got me through in a deeper sense.

Perhaps this would best be explained through the following illustration:

When it summertime and I go down the shore in a bathing suit, some of my scars are visible, and I have to relinquish the conviction that that is all people will see.

Alternatively, when sharing with others, the grief resurfaces, but not to the same ferocity it had in the beginning. However, it did take a few hours for the throbbing of the scars on my heart from said grief to stop throbbing so painfully.

Yet I would not trade either the scars or the grief because they create not only a point in which another individual and I can relate, but also compose parts of my testimony, which in the long run is the most important.

Posted on

Trusting One Never Seen

How do you trust someone you’ve never met in the flesh?

How do you trust in the One who’s defeated death itself yet remains unseen?

Maybe it’s easier that way, to trust the only perfect man

The only One whose sacrifice is so much greater than any earthly man’s well intentioned moments of self-sacrifice 

The only Way lays paving stones from the remnants of myself both then and now

The Truth has cut deep and called for a myriad of lifestyle changes

The Light’s rays turn my face to find a pathway through the darkness 

The One who is only seen in the heart

The One who is only heard in dreams both when awake and asleep

The One who is only felt by each individually in a way meant specifically for them

Open my eyes to see You throughout each day, in the hawks that alight on the tree as I pull in the driveway, in the smile on the faces of those whose eyes belie their history of pain and suffering, in the compassion of strangers 

Help me see the echoes of Your love in the expressions of love graciously afforded me by others

Help me remember Your mercies and grace shown throughout my life

Help me drown out every noise but Your voice 

Help me in my unbelief although I do believe

I need you right now; every moment of every day- even in the middle of the night 

Awaken my mind and heart to Your sovereignty, to trusting in Your plans that far exceed my own

How do I trust someone never seen?

By recognizing all His fingerprints around me if I only am willing to eyes that see and ears to hear

Posted on

Woken By Panic Turning to the Only One

When you wake in the night

Hand holding your chest

Trying to cast off the darkness’s light

Woken in panic at best

 

We are all given to nightmares

Of our own pasts or futures 

Searching for a safe welfare 

Living in some tepid stupor

 

Anxiety plagues us all

Some worse than others 

And I am one of those that fall

Under the thumb of such a monster 

 

Despair and hopelessness rise

Despite being on my knees

Trying desperately to purge 

That which I seek to flee

 

I turn to the only One who can save me

I turn to the only One who can truly see me

I turn to the only One who can save me 

I turn to the only One who can heal me

Posted on

Honoring the Memories

This morning I woke up at 4:30am remembering and singing every line to Oasis’s “Don’t Look Back In Anger” from 1996 and there was such a deep sadness and depressive nostalgia that I was nearly in tears. As I am well known to do as a coping mechanism, is to create a playlist entitled “90’s English Invasion” and I realized how terribly I missed the person who was associated with that song, and then the following people and places associated with each additional song – even if it was just memories of me listening to an album on repeat by myself during my commute or even alone while on break at work. 

 

It was advised that I leave that in the past and move on. Yes, I agree with this but I do think there is a time to sit with, process and honor all the emotions brought up with each chorus, verse, crescendo, guitar riff and fade out. Today was a good day but now I’m finally done with work, writing the first draft of my paper for a class I’m taking and am curled up on my big green lounge chair with my cat Goldie curled up on me. This is part of compartmentalization; putting emotions to the side while you do what you need to do then revisiting what was tucked away momentarily to fully feel things out. 

 

Even in the song “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve goes:

 

 “Well, I’ve never prayed, but tonight I’m on my knees, yeah 

I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah

 

I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now”

 

I think this is interesting on a number of points. First, that music has always been a go to form of finding emotional, mental and spiritual healing. I think it’s important to recognize that secular music to some is an act of a type of worship if were to define that as a way of reaching up to something greater than yourself, asking for help, saying thank you, or just having an emotional discussion. 

 

This sense of emotional discussion is not an adjective relating to a dialogue, but rather a heart’s speech. For me, my heart speaks to me first either in song or verse and then I have to try and unearth the thoughts lying beneath- contrary to the “a thought creates a feeling which creates an action” cognitive triangle process theory. 

 

Secondly, this reminds me of a time when I loved parts of my life. It’s not that I’m in crisis now, but the love I felt then has 20/20 hindsight. Even back then as now, there are many things wrong, but many things right. Nothing is ever going to be just one or the other- at least not for a full 24 hours (much more likely less). 

 

Thirdly, it reminds me of those who I once knew and are no longer are in my life, and there are many I loved in various ways for various reasons such as how one person would tilt their head and just smirk, how another would get so animated and stars would dance in their eyes as they related what another would consider a conventional, routine rollerblading outing. Another would relate the ways he learned to fish and where the best places where to go locally. Others would speak of a place called “The Great Swamp” full of nature trails and be in hysterics after the rains brought out so many bullfrogs along the road there. 

 

Yes, this all pains me to remember because it reminds of loves found and lost. But if I try and not revisit it and sit with it, how am I to expect myself to heal this new, previously unknown layer? If I do not honor the broken pieces, how am I supposed to surrender them to the only One who can make a stained glass window of them at the end? 

 

“The Scientist” by Coldplay has the following lyrics:

 

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions 

Oh, let’s go back to the start 

Running in circles, coming up tails 

Heads on a science apart

 

Nobody said it was easy 

It’s such a shame for us to part 

Nobody said it was easy 

No one ever said it would be this hard 

Oh, take me back to the start

 

I was just guessing at numbers and figures 

Pulling the puzzles apart 

Questions of science, science and progress 

Do not speak as loud as my heart

 

“Side” by Travis says:

Oh, I believe there’s someone watching over you 

They’re watching every single thing you say 

And when you die they’ll set you down and take you through 

You’ll realise one day 

Ahhh

But life is both a major and a minor key 

Just open up the chord 

Ahhh

 

Radiohead’s “Karma Police” says:

 

For a minute there 

I lost myself, I lost myself 

Phew, for a minute there 

I lost myself, I lost myself

 

And finally Oasis’s “Stop Crying Your Heart Out” says:

Hold up 

Hold on 

Don’t be scared 

You’ll never change what’s been and gone

 

May your smile (may your smile) 

Shine on (shine on) 

Don’t be scared (don’t be scared) 

Your destiny may keep you warm

 

‘Cause all of the stars are fading away 

Just try not to worry, you’ll see them someday 

Take what you need, and be on your way 

And stop crying your heart out



For what it’s worth I hope you can see or at least emotionally connect the dots here and comprehend what I’m making a poor attempt to verbalize. Laying our pasts on the alter to be used as He will is the only way to be fashioned into what He will make us in to. It’s called a testimonial. 

Posted on

Love

There was a time in my life as a junior in high school where I had loved someone so deeply but never said anything and they didn’t either. The bond remained the closest friendship I’ve had to date. It’s not that I don’t have friends now who I love, but they have yet to reach that depth and I frankly don’t know if they have the capacity to.

It’s been more than 20 years and in this last few days I’ve deeply struggled as much as I deeply loved and I’ve realized I still miss that person, that love that I had never felt before or since.

I see others so happy with their spouses and although I know they don’t face their own relational problems, it’s heartbreaking and yet bittersweet at the same time because I am genuinely happy for them.

 

You see love is impossible to describe. Thousands upon thousands of poems, books, storie, songs and films have tried to covey it but in the end they all fall short. Love cannot be described, only felt. Yes there are attributes such as wanting to always be around them, go places, see and experience things together, laugh and cry together and yes, even be willing to admit and forgive and wrongdoings but these all are actions and aspects of a relationship; they are not the feelings themselves. There simply are not enough adjectives or even the proper words to describe it.

 

The love that never was haunts me more than any shadow of that love I felt in the following years with one individual in college. Then I fell into the trappings of what I thought was finally a love that rivaled that first only to be trapped, gaslighted, mentally and emotionally damaged in every single way possible for a decade. It left me so terribly broken and completely devoid of any sense of self, purpose or identity but in retrospect it did save me from a path that would’ve ended as they say “either dead or in jail”.

 

What is there to tell of earthly love? Nothing except it is as fleeting as a vapor, promises and temperamental enchantments both of which shatter as quickly as a priceless vase falls to the kitchen floor.

Many experience it differently but in the end it’s sliding down a grass hill in summer. Sweet smelling but downwards and short nonetheless.

I’ve more scars from love than violence and more often than not they were one and the same. Shall I tell you of these horror stories? No. It’s not worth the time or energy.  It’s already down in paper anyways and my vocal cords are too raw to speak of it again.

So I’ll borrow from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet in describing it:

  MERCUTIO

True, I talk of dreams,

Which are the children of an idle brain, Begot of nothing but vain fantasy,

Which is as thin of substance as the air And more inconstant than the wind, who wooes Even now the frozen bosom of the north, And, being anger’d, puffs away from thence, Turning his face to the dew-dropping south.

There’s little to add except that love is a folly’s pleasure, a game of dice, a toss of the coin. What’s more is that tempus fugit, and the only true love and hope is in the Eternal. The rest is a slow, all too aware of being buried alive a little more each day.

The best we can do is love those we can and point them to the One who is the only one able to show real agape love in the first place.

 

Its been 10 years since that relationship ended and 6 years since I’ve come back to Christ. But even His love is impossible to describe without pointing to His actions on Calvary. His records of being moved with great compassion such as when Lazarus died and as it says, “Jesus wept”.

 

The problem with love here on earth is that it can only be understood through our interactions with others. Be they family, friends, communities and even spouses.

 

We know God loves us, even when we can’t feel it but feeling His love is different for each person as much as is each of our own journeys in this life.

 

What then are we to do when told He loves us? When we are told to return to our first love? But it’s not the first person we were in love with but God who loved us before we were even born, who loved us before we even acknowledged His existence, or decided to accept this love in and of itself.

 

Yes, we can refer to “The Four Loves” by C. S. Lewis as our closet description of love, but to experience it is an entirely different matter.

 

To understand love here on earth we must first understand pain. Our pain, His pain and the promise of one day, if we have accepted Christ, spending eternity in His love where there are no more tears, no more sorrow, only the fulfillment of ultimate love for which we lack the ability to fully comprehend this side of eternity.

Posted on

How Will You Let Your Trials Shape You?

“The same fire that melts a wax candle hardens clay”  How will you let your trials shape you?

To properly make a piece of pottery you first start with raw clay that you cut from the block and literally have to full force throw it on the table again and again to get all the air bubbles out so it doesn’t burst in the kiln because of an air pocket exploding in the heat.
Then you wet the wheel and have to “throw” it (that’s actually the technical term) onto the wheel and apply pressure from your knees on each side of the wheel, through your torso, core and shoulders all focused into your hands to apply enough pressure to stabilize the unruly shape into a circular one you can then apply more pressure to to shape into something beautiful (hopefully).
Sometimes you’ve applied too little or too much water to the wheel before throwing and it’ll not be centered well enough and slip off or not be able to stabilize properly and you have to start all over. But eventually you get there. And then you wait 48-72 hours for the clay to dry and then it goes into the kiln, 1,000 – 1,600 degrees of heat. But then you get to apply paint and into the kiln it goes once more. But after all that, you have something that has been through so much be something beautiful that will last for decades…or a lifetime.

Imagine what God is doing with us. We may not understand, question, dislike the processes, but each ounce of pressure, going through thousands of degrees of heat is Him drawing us closer, sanctifying, transforming us into something beautiful….if we surrender not only to the process to Him, and to His plan, and let Him do so.

Jeremiah‬ ‭18‬:‭1‬-‭4‬, ‭6‬ ‭ESV‬‬

”The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: “Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will let you hear my words.” So I went down to the potter’s house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter’s hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do. “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.“
‭‭