There are many things that are idols but not what we think of in the classic definition. To borrow from a very good sermon by a good friend and pastor, “Worship belongs to God. What we don’t want to give over to him are idols.
What do we worship? Social media? Validation? Validation via social media? Looks, success, physical possessions, our own thoughts or opinions, money and the back up provision plan b, hobbies, activities. Idols are anything our lives revolve around. In our thoughts, attention, energy. It could be good on the surface but to what extent/ degree does it tilt to becoming something we think or focus on more than God? That we look to for solace in? The things that make the brokenness feel better.”
It was so easy for me to have this righteous anger all day as I contemplated our nation’s and community’s (both secular and Christian) obsession with sports in particular as its Super Bowl Sunday and the local team is playing. But then as I spoke to family in England and how dearly I missed them, how convinced I am I was born in the wrong decade and wrong country, that I have my own idols just of a different nature.
The line may not be as obvious but I fell apart and had a complete meltdown when realizing I may not be able to go visit as planned. I envy the fact that they have an extended family, that I feel cheated out of one being not only an only child but also single and having no children either. I honestly don’t know if it’s an idol or not but I’d rather be safe and say it is and be wrong to say I idolize being married and having a child.
I couldn’t sleep the other night because the pain was so bad and this searing burning sensation in my big right toe had me in both such agony and shock because it’s been my left leg that’s been getting worse. It’s been getting harder to walk or sit or stand for very long now and driving more than 5-7 minutes becomes unbearable.
I’ve had two doctors now tell me “well since you’re allergic to steroids and muscle relaxants and all we do is injections and surgery there’s nothing we can do. Good luck” and not even refill the one medication I can take. I idolize good health. I can’t remember a day without pain in the last 5 months.
I’ve been listening to a lot of different music to try a cope from choral to old gospel, new worship music, classical to the Carpenters, James Taylor and Henri Mancini theme songs. But as I lay here I’ve realized an additional number of things.
In the hymn “Nearer my God, to Thee” the opening line is Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!
E’en though it be a cross that raiseth me,
still all my song shall be,
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!”
I can only hope when hope feels like a four letter word these days that I would feel that way instead. As it is I question if I even believe the words I’m singing in the contemporary songs sung this morning from one refrain to the next
I know feelings and thoughts are deceitful at times, such as when I finally put the right word down to how I felt about myself as being “defective” or that I question His ability to heal. I go from praising and crying in gratitude that He’s with me to in nearly three heartbeats later questioning everything. The firey darts have been raining down at such a pace it takes me sometimes even 48 hours to find the word to describe what I’m feeling. Or even realize that what I’ve been thinking are not my thoughts but lies whispered so cleverly in my own peculiar way of reasoning I don’t even see it.
A friend and I were recalling an old neighbor’s decision to just take to her bed because of a number of reasons and the most paramount of them was that she lost the will to live.
My question however is that in hymns like “Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus”, “All to Jesus I Surrender” or even the song “Glory, Glory” by Odetta and many people including Corrie Ten Boom say essentially “take heart, the best is yet to come” when referring to principles in verses like Romans 8:18: “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”.
It makes me realize how much I long for this all to be over and done so that I may be with Him. Focusing too much on the eternal end result can be very detrimental when having to deal with the realities of the time between now and then.
I can say it is so dark I have lost the will to live (in these current conditions) like the woman my friend and I were speaking about and that every morning I wake up disappointed I did so. I know this will pass but right now it is a battlefield. But I put on the armor as detailed in Ephesians 6 and say to God if you want me here another day I will do my best to love like you did and follow where you lead but You need to help me get through the next hour, and the rest of the day because I can’t in my own strength. I will look for You, the moments of good and be thankful as best I can. I know now the value of the word through in psalm 23:4 that we walk through the valley of death, we do not sit and make camp there, are forgotten and/or left there, but He guides us through. Yet still I fight to know the armor isn’t defective, I’m not required to hold in up in my own strength, but I fight to know if I’m even putting it on right- if my ability to do so is somehow compromised by something I’ve done. But I know that’s not true and He has promised to fight for me but battle weary is an understatement and the value of discernment never fully more evident.
In John Bunyan’s 2nd book of the Pilgrim’s Progress Christian’s wife, sons a woman from his home town come to the Valley of the shadow of death and Christina says “Then said CHRISTIANA to MERCY, “Now I see what my poor husband went through. I have heard much of this place, but I never was here afore now; poor man! he went here all alone in the night–he had night almost quite through the way; also these fiends were busy about him, as if they would have torn him in pieces. Many have spoken of it; but none can tell what the Valley of the Shadow of Death should mean until they come in it themselves.”
I don’t know how much more He needs to do or what walls remain to be broken down until something changes, but maybe the change has already come and this is my new normal. And I’m just now realizing the idols I have and what I’ve taken for granted. I go back to Paul writing in Philippians 1:23-24: “But I am hard-pressed between the two. I have the desire to leave [this world] and be with Christ, for that is far, far better; yet to remain in my body is more necessary and essential for your sake.”
It is the “for your sake” even that I envy. I do not currently know and even question if I ever will know for what or who’s sake this reality (well to be honest, the last four years) is going the way it is except that Romans 8:28 says there is a reason for it.
For what it’s worth, this has taught me more about how different my life now than previously, how different it is from the vast majority of those I know, and how differently I see and cling to Jesus. I am not going to go so far as to say I’ll be boasting in my weakness anytime soon, but I will say if this post has helped anyone else feel like they’re not alone in any of the thoughts or emotions expressed then it was worth it. And that’s God’s doing, not mine.