This morning I woke up at 4:30am remembering and singing every line to Oasis’s “Don’t Look Back In Anger” from 1996 and there was such a deep sadness and depressive nostalgia that I was nearly in tears. As I am well known to do as a coping mechanism, is to create a playlist entitled “90’s English Invasion” and I realized how terribly I missed the person who was associated with that song, and then the following people and places associated with each additional song – even if it was just memories of me listening to an album on repeat by myself during my commute or even alone while on break at work.
It was advised that I leave that in the past and move on. Yes, I agree with this but I do think there is a time to sit with, process and honor all the emotions brought up with each chorus, verse, crescendo, guitar riff and fade out. Today was a good day but now I’m finally done with work, writing the first draft of my paper for a class I’m taking and am curled up on my big green lounge chair with my cat Goldie curled up on me. This is part of compartmentalization; putting emotions to the side while you do what you need to do then revisiting what was tucked away momentarily to fully feel things out.
Even in the song “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve goes:
“Well, I’ve never prayed, but tonight I’m on my knees, yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now”
I think this is interesting on a number of points. First, that music has always been a go to form of finding emotional, mental and spiritual healing. I think it’s important to recognize that secular music to some is an act of a type of worship if were to define that as a way of reaching up to something greater than yourself, asking for help, saying thank you, or just having an emotional discussion.
This sense of emotional discussion is not an adjective relating to a dialogue, but rather a heart’s speech. For me, my heart speaks to me first either in song or verse and then I have to try and unearth the thoughts lying beneath- contrary to the “a thought creates a feeling which creates an action” cognitive triangle process theory.
Secondly, this reminds me of a time when I loved parts of my life. It’s not that I’m in crisis now, but the love I felt then has 20/20 hindsight. Even back then as now, there are many things wrong, but many things right. Nothing is ever going to be just one or the other- at least not for a full 24 hours (much more likely less).
Thirdly, it reminds me of those who I once knew and are no longer are in my life, and there are many I loved in various ways for various reasons such as how one person would tilt their head and just smirk, how another would get so animated and stars would dance in their eyes as they related what another would consider a conventional, routine rollerblading outing. Another would relate the ways he learned to fish and where the best places where to go locally. Others would speak of a place called “The Great Swamp” full of nature trails and be in hysterics after the rains brought out so many bullfrogs along the road there.
Yes, this all pains me to remember because it reminds of loves found and lost. But if I try and not revisit it and sit with it, how am I to expect myself to heal this new, previously unknown layer? If I do not honor the broken pieces, how am I supposed to surrender them to the only One who can make a stained glass window of them at the end?
“The Scientist” by Coldplay has the following lyrics:
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let’s go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
“Side” by Travis says:
Oh, I believe there’s someone watching over you
They’re watching every single thing you say
And when you die they’ll set you down and take you through
You’ll realise one day
Ahhh
But life is both a major and a minor key
Just open up the chord
Ahhh
Radiohead’s “Karma Police” says:
For a minute there
I lost myself, I lost myself
Phew, for a minute there
I lost myself, I lost myself
And finally Oasis’s “Stop Crying Your Heart Out” says:
Hold up
Hold on
Don’t be scared
You’ll never change what’s been and gone
May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Don’t be scared (don’t be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm
‘Cause all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry, you’ll see them someday
Take what you need, and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
For what it’s worth I hope you can see or at least emotionally connect the dots here and comprehend what I’m making a poor attempt to verbalize. Laying our pasts on the alter to be used as He will is the only way to be fashioned into what He will make us in to. It’s called a testimonial.
